Each day, I am changing. The past has become black and white, I don’t remember what I was like without her. The completion is magical, the depth of connection, unquestionable.
I let her in but I have growing pains, she pushes me in places that I could not see. She kicks my ass, she challenges me and I feel like I am only starting to really grow now.
The blocks of protection I built around myself, she gently kicks down and before I know it, the vulnerable little girl is exposed, raw, honest, open and spread with tears on the floor. She is right, and not wrong mostly, like me. We sift through the years, we laugh at the self sabotage we created, due to the ACHE of being without each other, the pain of separation, the pain of feeling incomplete.
Imagine having to wake everyday knowing your other half was out there, but you had no way of finding her, allowing the magnetic pull towards each other to work its magic.
This week I came out of the closet to my biological mother and godmother, lets just say I received more love from my Godmother and my cat, than I did from her. I close the door to that story, as I move forward knowing I am worth more love, more kindness and more acceptance.
I love my life, I love how my hand fits into hers. I love how in sync we are, we agree and have discussions when asleep and wake up with a plan, and a way forward, as if we had debated it for hours.
I am shifting into a space of balance, completeness for me, just being here. Giving myself permission to love, to accept and receive love and relearn aspects of myself.
The love for Laughter is real, the love for music, the love for food, joy, fun, laughter becomes more real. Being whole has made we grow up so much, I can see things from a different perspective, as I changed, things change.
I honour my needs by speaking up faster, I have this magic of Reiki flowing through me, showing me the way another path, sharing its wisdom.
I am grateful for my path and the lessons I am learning.
Once upon a time there was a girl, she had brown curly hair, and all she wanted was to be complete. She travelled down the road of many paths, collecting scars along the way, the scars were well hidden, the broken parts of her healed, but the memories still exist.
Finding herself was a challenge, her heart was big, her spirit even bigger. She set out to save those who needed her, she intended to make peoples lives better, and she did. The broken left feeling complete and healed, the addicted were soothed, the barren gave birth to children, she felt fulfilled. (Baby no #32 was born on 20 May 2021) For years she felt happy in her purpose, but was it enough? Maybe, she felt unworthy, maybe she felt that it was wrong to ask for more. To ask for her true love, to ask for her equal, to ask for completion? Was it wrong? Would this ache ever go away, would the feel of wholeness ever come? The seeking and aching grew deeper, she felt emotions from her twin flame, there was no logical explanation. Her heart ached, her leg ached, her ear zinged, her eyes itched, she felt pain in her coccyx, but she had never broken a bone in her body. The symptoms were from her twin flame, but the minute they met, worlds collided literally. Their spirits became one, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and even psychologically. She wished she could explain this to someone, who understood the flow of love. The flow of connection, the in sync spirit that just knows.
She had never experienced such connection before, such love, such patience before. There was a force of nature, an ancestral pull of energy. Connection was an understatement.
When they connected their spirits merged and they became ONE force, helping each others paths, amplifying their Journey. Logic was no more, connection, feeling and intuition was the way forward.
Some days was like a lightning bolt, some days were emotional, but none compared to being alone, lost, seeking the ONE that makes you feel complete. Alone they were a force a nature, an unstoppable magnitude of Energy.
The past fade away, it is replaced with the new memories, the new story, the new sound of her laughter, the lines of her smile, the sound of her voice, the feel of her heart beat, the feel of a new path.
Everything is different, 6 months feels like 6 years. Days fade into weeks, plans are made and they are weighed, projects are undertaken and fulfilled. Promises are made and completed. Laughter is shared! Stories are shared, pain is shared. Its like a daydream, its utopic, so much. Deep healing and connection is taking place, naturally entering the dark aspects of scars left behind.
Each day, I am different, each moment a new realization about the past, making sense of the presence, the future unknown.
Truth be told, I thought I was happy, I thought I was whole, I thought I knew me, but with her I am more alive, I want to be a better me, I want to be fitter, healthier, happier, more fulfilled, more driven, more ME! Me – deeper down the path I step into the purpose of being a healer, a reiki teacher, a massage therapist, a counsellor, a helper, a supporter, a happier me, filled with Love. Let me take your hand to embark on a journey of You’re Happiness, as I have found mine, in me. I love me, and its enough.
You know how you know, when you’re body is out of whack! You know you are not yourself, when your spirit is not flowing as it should. You know when your mind is overactive and you cannot sleep. In the same way, you know, sure you have known happiness.
Happiness of success, love, joy, fun, laughter, sexual ecstasy, goal and task orientated accomplishment, these are all aspects of Living fully!
I have had a deep ache to be social, I isolated myself, because I was so afraid to be me, yet I felt I was being me! I was wild, free, opinionated and well Colleen. I have met my equal, this has changed my life, my world, my universe. I not only have my Universe of woo woo, I have her world too. I have made new friends, attended nightclubs, bars, parties, lunch events and pretty much lived more in the last 6 months, than I have in over 20 years. My dull life of routine, still exist, but it is different. It has been coloured with feeding (the dog) Liquorice, covering her with a blankie, talking to her when I tuck her into bed and ensuring she is ok!
My netflix is no more, my series is a thing of the past, I have no time for TV. I try to squeeze reading my book in, a few pages to keep me in shape. I am the one who affects peoples lives like a volcanic bomb, exploding into their universe, yet she has come and changed me.
I cannot put my finger on it, but its like a button has been pressed and I am not the same anymore. Completion has changed me. I am sorry, I didn’t know this kind of love existed, I settled for what I thought LOVE was, please forgive me. I know what being in love is like now, there is a deep ache in my soul for this person, I miss her, I search the crowd for her, I feel her eyes upon me, I am drawn to her, a magnetic pull of energy.
We have both changed as we grow deeper into completion and honouring each others magic.
I have never laughed this much in my life. My stomach hurts, my sleep is sporadic filled with snoring and the dog trying to cuddle up my ass. (I’m not even a dog person)
But, am I happy! yes! like a pig in shit. I have taken full responsibility for my relationship, and since we are so in sync, we communicate often about everything, we think the same, so resolving things are simple, its like being ONE PERSON.
It is my wish for everyONE to find their EQUAL! it makes being in a relationship much better.
Some tips to help you!
Be whole, get fitter, eat healthier, drink water.
Clean your house, reduce your chaos.
Go to bed early.
Stop the screen time.
Book a massage and a reiki session, with me.
Start preparing for your equal.
Set an intention to the Universe, to keep calling them to arrive. It took me 2 years to find her, and I have been looking for her, for over 40 years.
The suffering of being incomplete is worth it, for just 5 minutes of being Home, with her.
Home becomes a person, and no longer a place.
Projects are just easier, life just flows.
I wish you love, discipline, wholeness and Healing.
I was so nervous, more than I understood. Willem provided the structure, and Colleen provided the love! Safe is how I felt – very safe! The day was all a blur, overwhelmed with everything; at the end of it, I came to understand that Reiki is everywhere and in everything! My six-week journey was not comfortable; in fact, I would say it was at times darn right uncomfortable! the unravelling of years of denial and trauma tormenting me, confronting me. I was on a seesaw of contradiction in noplace, mostly unaccustomed to the many downloads I received. This is where ‘Colleen Love’ comes in, and mark my words, it is a particular type of love ‘agape’ is the closest reference, but however you may label it, without Colleen, I would not be here writing this from the positive! Post-six weeks, where am I now? Well, things come and go daily, but the choice of where I put my energy is mine. I am now more aware of the information flowing to and through me and to me. Reiki is teaching me neutrality; given me the tools to redirect my energy back to myself, especially when I have not been appropriately received. Reiki does not accept second best; to love and care for me first is now my mantra. Reiki is intuition flowing despite my mind. Reiki is the heart; Reiki is the Soul; Reiki is Love!
I share my story, as it is unique. The reiki path has been carved by the broken parts of my Life. As I rediscover and heal the aspects of me, the freer I am.
It is no easy task to keep peeling away the darkness, to shine your light in love. It is a daily process of being authentic with your feelings and honouring yourself.
Today, I sat with my feelings of disappointment, it is a nagging feeling that pops up every now and then. I dug deep this morning, where did it originate from? The answer came from my biological mother who was heart broken at the time, after ending her relationship with my father. Disappointment attracts more disappointment, unless the feeling is resolved.
What popped up for me is wanting to create happiness for my ex partners, how they will ask for something but once they receive it, I couldn’t receive the Appreciation, on a feelings level.
Happiness is truly an inside job, your words, your thoughts, your actions should all be in alignment with your pursuit of happiness, so you vibrate at a frequency of attracting your OWN HAPPINESS. Happiness is such a personal journey, my happiness, and yours will not be the same.
I was journaling about what makes me happy?
Definitely Ocean walks, time to reflect, time to daydream, time to plan what I love doing, going to bed early, eating healthy, exercise, having fun and adventures, living a simple and good life. Happiness is simple for me, I do what I love which is reiki/massage/healing and I am all good.
I don’t enjoy the outside world, as it always seems to disappointment me, so I create my own space of Colleen’s world, which means I can create the Impossible. I love creating magic with Reiki and healing, it is one of my favourite things to do.
My Adventures into the city has brought forth a realization that brokenness has no race, creed or colour, it just is. We have all experienced some form of hurt or dysfuctionality or trauma which has changed us, where we stopped believing in Love and started living in fear or pain. Fear and Pain breeds chaos and imbalance and like any drug, it will keep spreading its poison, until the harm destroys your life, where healing encourages love, growth, and wholeness.
When you have been hurt, the fear starts to create a barrier between you and the world, so you are numb and can no longer flow in love, because you’ll be disconnected from yourself.
Di-seases like depression, anxiety, ptsd, irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia all start to creep into your reality, due to one choice made in pain.
Healing is a personal journey, it is one that is very personal and it asks for bravery, courage and vulnerability.
If you’d like a helping hand, just reach out to me.
I never wanted to be gay. I suppressed my sexuality and attraction to women for years. I was aware of what harm would befall my partner and I couldn’t stomach it. My grandmother wanted to protect me, wanted to keep me safe from harm, from the “bad” people so I had a chance at a good Life. I myself never wanted a sexual orientation that placed a target on my back! I was weird enough, as I am woo woo on 2 legs. I seeked functional living, but was met with a dualistic approach which came with karma, when I was not in alignment with my True spirit.
I am sorry! it is true. I made mistakes, I made choices based on the information I had at hand, my gut feel and here I am relearning about myself, the aspects of who I am.
In Child psychology, they suggest socialization, which means you integrate yourself into a community and feel acceptance, pride, belonging. I am trying to do this with my Lgbt community with a dash of shame. On Saturday night, we attended an event which highlighted the Lgbt community in singing, dancing, music and poetry.
As the words left the pages they read from, they shared the pain, suffering and lack of love, with their broken pieces falling on the floor, hooking every empaths attention. They were met with cheering and applause, I felt bad, ashamed actually, because there are ways to heal.
I took the time to network and meet other Lesbian older women who have lived a free existence for over 20 years. The first thing I asked was, where is your partner? the answer was disappointing. A cycle of 4 friends were connected for over 20 years, with no love partners. This deeply saddened me, I later understood why.
Women who are lesbians happily hunt, use and abuse other women, they take great pleasure in hunting as sapiosexuals and then move on. It is the same, as if they were Men, casanova’s to be exact. Players who have no remorse for any relationship status or married women as a whole. The rule of instant gratification, with no fore thought of the consequences and consciousness is the rule. (This was the value system, of the one’s I met)
Shame stuck to me like bubblegum under my shoe, I took a salt bath this morning but I am left with the same disgusting taste in my mouth. So, the therapist in me wants to understand why hurt people hurt people? is it because they were rejected? Used? Abused? Unhealed traumas? No love? The answer is all of the above.
I left the city bowl feeling disappointed once again in what I had experienced. I feel that Lgbt community has created a dark persona due to unhealed wounds and traumas. I understand it, but I know that healing can change it.
I once again ventured to Pink panther nightclub, only to feel energetically polluted, and having myself witnessed a “predator vs Prey” feeling, and I exited the building. I don’t feel safe, I feel their is a dark presence there, and allowing Shadow selves to roam free with enhanced alcohol intake, just creates chaos. People go out to have fun, fun can be had without harm, without chaos, it can be just that, fun, joy, laughter.
I have a purpose and a destiny, and even though I venture into the darkness, I am aware of who and what I am, and the need to protect myself, and my energy.
Those who do not heal, hurt people. Hurt people spread their pain, lowering the vibration of Empaths, creating a toxic energy on Earth, filled with fear, chaos, and mayhem.
As a healer, I commit to helping others heal, to fill the hurt cracks with LOVE and guide you on the path, of True healing.
I thought I was wild and free! but it turns out I have been safely tucked away under a rock, not truly living. Who would’ve thought, that one big part of me being subdued for many years could have impacted on my life so much, my own sexuality. My attraction to women, me being an Alfa female, a go getter, a leader, a fiesty warrior, only to meet my equal, and realize I have channelled her, most of my life. We are 2 pieces of a puzzle, we complete each other.
Feeling complete comes with complexity! I thought about a happily ever after and we both have moments of true profoundness where we complete each others sentences, we have the same realizations and the same triggers that anger us about prejudice and body shaming.
We are the same! let that sink in, we have the same dreams, we manage our finances the same, with the aspects of Debits and Credits firmly in check. We are money savvy, we are business savvy, we are equals in the bedrooms, we kiss the same, we shop the same, someday we even dress the same like everyday! Motherfucker! there goes my unique kickassness, but there are moments of TRUE Synchronicity when we are in each others presence, there is a magic I cannot explain, there is happiness I have never felt.
There is UTOPIA, completion, magic, love, support, understanding and its strange to even type this, because it is so true. Home has become a person. As I peel myself from her in the morning, literary as I curl myself around her warm body, I have to disconnect from her because, we create such a bubble of comfort that we cannot function apart but have to.
Hidden self, I will heal and grow you, I will find the hidden cracks of you and heal you with reiki and love. This love of completion has changed me. The days fade into one, the nights together are explosive, yet we return once again to the fire, for a thirst that cannot be quenched.
I have moments where I miss the old me, the boring, nap taking, going to bed early Colleen, who was so subdued in many ways. I have bags under my eyes, my body is sore as I exercise harder, I miss the old self, but I am open to the new Hidden self.
The Colleen who is learning about Pleasure! pleasure called Krispy Kreem donuts bought by the dozen. Learning to play x box 360, the game is Lego. I ate chicken wings without bones at Hooters and loved it. I stole her bubblegum milkshake also, and enjoyed it. Learning that selfcare is essential, like charcoal facemask. Everyday, Nivea massages are in, as we connect deeper. Enjoying that I can happily steal my partners deo and smell like her, everyday, and I can even wear her clothes. Did I mention we wear the same size?
Twin Flames, Twin Souls, Twin channelling as we learn to Use our Powers together, a Reiki healer and a DJ with her own Magician magic, the makings of True Love.
Lets see, I am enjoying the adventure of Life.
PS! She made a wish for a new pair of takkies, and today we managed to refund a pair of Nikes that was under warrantee, (which we purchased in Jan 2021) which meant Vans all round for both of us, as I had a voucher stashed in my wallet! Divine Synchronicity whoop Whoop!
Thank you for reading my musings of Life. My wish is for everyone to find their equal, to seek their happiness with a whole heart, and be whole within yourself, to love, to heal, to bless, to forgive and live in gratitude.
If you need a helping hand, I am here to serve you.
Dear Broken pieces, you have taught me so much, without the ache, without the pain, without the mess, I would never have seeked Reiki, seeked love, pursued healing.
It dawned on me that our broken pieces has no colour, no race, no creed, no anything really, yet we all have broken pieces, we all have cracks that were not filled with love, we all have some hurt that we buried so deep that only Shadow self, unlocks it and creates chaos in real life.
Celebrate who you are becoming, we are broken but even brokenness can be healed so it can be beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some use brokenness to create pain, others use brokenness to heal, it is a catalyst within the psyche of the EMPATH, to serve and heal others!
We all have known PAIN, we have known what it feels like to be unloved, rejected, shamed, guilt-ridden, abused, used, manipulated, outcast, how can we use this pain? As a healer, I create, as an artist : They create, as a writer, their words heal. We convert the pain into healing, we no longer seek revenge, but to bring justice to the wrongs, we lived through.
Our broken pieces are our teacher, we are not defined by our pain, we are defined by how we heal.
My partner was a catalyst for this post, as she clicked on you tube and made me listen to this song, and a blog post was created.
A generator and a manifesting generator, together, let the fun begin!
If you’d like a Human design reading, please consult Keri Bainborough on Instagram, she is Lovely and she will help you find you’re path, based on your date and time of birth.
If you seek a dj for birthdays, weddings, celebrating life, click on instagram @djcharm.
If you seek a tattoo, to celebrate your path : @witpukswart
If you seek a coach : @anna_marsh_nutrition
If you seek holistic oils : @holistic_healing_with_bianca
If you seek yoga guidance : @indieberries
If you seek an executive intuitive coach : @holly-light_coaching_
Dear Colleen, it has been the fastest, busiest months of my life. My equal arrived and with it, all kinds of madness. (Hair of the dog moment. . . )
Firstly, let me say, I am sorry to my ex’s, please forgive me. I am sorry I couldn’t love you as you wanted, I am sorry, I was incomplete. I loved from a space of brokenness, being incomplete. My current journey isn’t easy being with my equal, my mirror, but it is my path and we both know it. Everyday, we grow together, our ancestors connect and we are linked. We’ve connected the dots of the past, we know the future is to step forward into an unknown space, of a guided purpose.
Together, we create a bubble of happiness, which we don’t want to leave, but we must, in order to serve our purpose in life.
Three Reiki Attunements later and the growth I am experiencing is phenomenal. Dreams are clear, path is clearer, connecting to the Human body is like listening to a symphony orchestra, when one instrument is out of sync, you can see the impact on the body. I am enjoying the journey, but I do look forward to a good nights sleep, for sure.
On Saturday, concludes the journey for my Reiki level 1 students, and then I can exhale, only to prepare for the next Level 1, who will appear soon.
The reiki path is one to be lived and loved. I was inspired by Lauren Livingston to create a Reiki Tribe on Facebook, for all my Reiki attuned students. It has been amazing connecting to everyone and just sharing experiences within our path.
The path is set, the destiny aligned, I walk the path with one foot firmly in this world, and other in the spiritual world, as…..it has always been.
I wake up at night, because I sleep so deeply that I don’t feel her. I reach out and can feel her presence, I can feel her body next to mine, I stroke her face, I stroke her back, I hold her like a spoon. LOVE! the emotion we seek to share our soul with someone, our heart and our spirit.
Seeking love is like trying to fine tune a musical instrument, finding love is finding harmony and peace within a musical rhythm. The life I knew before her, is gone, like a volcano we have collided into an unknown sphere. Life before us, was me carrying her karma, ensuring she is kept safe. Life for her was searching for me, feeling my pain, and knowing we were out there somewhere, somehow.
The ache for your equal is real, the pull of a magnetic energy of positive and negative, like the Ying and Yang, we are opposites, but together the feeling of completion is real, whole, and all very new. Four months has felt like a lifetime, 4 weeks a whole other Universe. We talk, we laugh, we fight, we agree to disagree, there is love, be an imperfect one.
Your partner will be your mirror, they will easily find fault, as we come from a culture that instilled this condition. We are seeking a path where our worlds could function and it is hard, because this is new to both of us, but the love has always been present, imperfectly so. Love filled the cracks, Reiki love is my first love, I see how when love gets into the gaps of who we are, we change, we grow, we heal, we feel different.
As the imperfect love, I have has completed me, there is no path yet, as we figure out what is needed for our next journey, our future. LOVE is always the key, Healing is always the focus, bringing light to the path of those who are lost, including ourselves.
Seeking love and finding it, is a whole new paradigm which has affected my life completely. The shock has worn off, and now my Male side is practical, what is our next journey, our focus, our paradigm for creating a path. We have no answers yet, we seek. . . . . .
LOVE is perfect, it fills the heart, it fuels the soul, it combines the Spirits, so you become ONE!
The imperfect parts are the old scars, the old believe systems, the EGO wanting to control what the spirit has already decided. The feelings of I did it alone, and will do so again! but the entire purpose of love, is sharing, is connecting, is embracing, is flowing with one another in Unison.
Navigating an imperfect love takes courage, so I thought I would share some tools :
Reiki – go for sessions, to heal, to grow, to connect together.
Body work – massage each other, each day, connect deeper.
Talk – Cry – Laugh – Share truths even when uncomfortable.
Be kind – Be gentle.
If you don’t like it, stand up and speak up!
We are all creatures of habit, finding fault is easy, giving love is harder.
Take time to love, share a flower, share hugs, share kisses.
The ache before her, was huge. It drove me, to be ambitious, it drove me to heal my pain and others pain, it drove me to work harder, to search, to step into my male side warrior, and be the best healer, I could be. She came like a thief in the night, and stole my heart and now I cannot live without her, like fungi she is everywhere in my thoughts, in my breathe, in my bed, in my spirit, in my body! I have never felt like this before, WHOLE! She has completed me, like no other human being has before, the cracks are filled, we share ancestors, we laugh about my grandmother named Sophia Doris van der Westhuizen and her mother called Martha Sophia Lucas, they speak to both of us, we giggle like little girls when cooking sharing stories, that only we experienced on the same level.
Our ancestors have connected and we sleep much better, once we bless them, and feel their presence. I have never felt closer to a person on earth, its been 3 weeks of adjusting, changing to a household of 3, 3 animals, 3 people with different needs and opinions, it is not easy. Boundaries have been stepped on, and family meetings are held, and fire is exchanged often.
But when we are together, there is completion, there is ONENESS, the world fades away, ambition dies and my drive is gone. We are both go getters but when happy, all we want to do is spend time talking, laughing and sharing love, like our own utopia. We spoke about becoming more motivated about what we love, but its funny, nothing else matters right now. We make plans, we discuss and then review what we decided. It is a different world of feeling this way.
A super moon appeared after 2 Reiki attunements and the arrival of our menstrual cycles have synced in the weirdest way, we feel each others pain, we heal each others pain. We connected so deeply, that we speak each others words and there is safety and love. I never thought that this type of love was possible, ever.
Looking back, I feel guilt and shame, I feel regret for not loving others as I should have, I can say I am sorry! I can amend my behaviour, I can choose to learn and grow from this pain I have experienced, because this is what we both seeked for many lifetimes. We realized for years, we searched for each other, and like a fine line of separation was woven, so we only found each other now.
We utilised our pain to create, to search, to find, to heal, and now at this junction of our life! We will need to recreate everything anew, because the old is gone and no more! the new is upon us, but its only been 3 months and 3 weeks, and she has quit her job, moved to Cape town, left her friends and life behind, to start fresh, a new way of being.
As I introduce her more and more to the woo woo that I live, we are doing a bucket bath cleanse this week, exploring how energies are cleansed and how do you feel? I feel like I too am relearning this magic. She is teaching me about music, and I can feel it more and more, as my body has goose bumps, as the notes touch my heart or when she sings!
Yes, I am still in shock! at how one person, could have made a home in my heart and life, so easily, fitting like a glove, as we tick off all the similar habits, as I remind her of her Mom. She laughs and hides her annoyance, as I do something silly and she says “Not!~ again “, to date, we have 19 similar traits.
Today, I had my Yang tattoo and she had her Ying tattoo this week, the energy and shared powers is evident, we can no longer spend more than 5 minutes apart, we share dreams, we share connection, we share memories of unspoken words.
Slowly, I surrender to this madness called love, a love that makes no sense. A love that I have seeked, a love I have longed for, a love that has magic.
I have been inlove with Reiki for so long, I had forgotten how good it feels to be complete.
I thought, I would share, how I attracted my equal.
Get ready : sort out your debt, your finances, your fitness, your diet, your karma.
Clean house : your home, your car, your wardrobe.
Receive Reiki, healing, massage, counselling to get ready.
Imagine your whole self, being filled with love from the moment, you were born.
Set your highest intention for LOVE, prepare to Allow and Surrender to it.
Set your boundaries with yourself.
Everyday, I called her into being for 4 months with Prayer, feeling and emotions.
I asked her Ancestors, if I could date her.
I had our human design chart, created as individuals and as a couple. (See Keri Bainborough on Instagram)
I introduced myself to her ancestors and to mine.
We are equals, we both hold scars from a life before, but that doesn’t mean I need to fix it, I can share knowledge with a different approach and view.
The path forward is one of Love, greatness and awe! as we find a new way of being together.
Its been over a week, since I had a post nasal drip, I have visited my General GP, and he tested every aspect of my body, handed me a script for nasal spray and advised me, I am in good health, perfect actually. I left feeling oh excellent! but still sounding like a frog, who smoked pot last night.
The last 2 weeks my life was hit with some chaos, the normal chaos of Reiki Attunements which are normal, but the house with filled with 3 additional people, increased expenses, and a dog. Truth, be told, I was not prepared for any of this.
I was prepared for her arrival with a dog, creating space for her valuables and clothes, so we can co-habitate together, so we can live in shalom bheyeit. I love peace and quiet, I love tidyness and cleanliness, I love going to bed early. Best of all, I love hearing my own thoughts and creating from within.
Listening to my intuition is a fine tuned art, as I flow with it. I don’t like chaos, I don’t enjoy any mayhem, I just don’t flow with it, so having additional people in my space was hard.
I had to smudge, cleanse and reiki everyone, everyday to keep the peace, so the dynamic of personalities did not erupt, however, after 2 weeks tempers started to flair and they were asked to leave.
(I asked for help, from my partner, and she made us the most amazing Lunch on Sunday. She cooks like my grandmother, and there is so much memories floating by.)
So, with the use of my froggy voice, I tried to teach reiki but asked for help from Willem, who loves teaching to impact on the 2 students. I will be doing the theory and practical application with my students, helping them for the next 6 weeks to grow and learn.
Lessons learnt on the way!
Know your limits, Ask for HELP!
Stay true to yourself.
Stay in your skin.
Speak up, when needed.
Stick to your routine of grounding and connection.
Well! What can I say, this trip was like a industrial vacuum cleaner spring cleaning. I laughed, I cried, I spoke so much, I communicated, I cried some more and just let all the emotions, I have been holding onto, out of my body, mind and spirit.
This trip was a 5 hour trip of epic proportion. The beginning of the trip was colourful with shades of purple and lots of colours and patterns. I napped and then it turned into a real journey of exploring the shadow self.
Shadow self is all the emotions I subdue and even hide from myself, the space of darkness where, I just don’t have the courage to face them in reality. The grief of loss, of the years spent trying to subdue my sexuality, because I was afraid, I wanted a normal life as it was safer, but not authentic. Facing myself, my reality, my truth was a good journey for me.
I chatted to myself, forgiving and releasing what I needed to. Forgiving Willem for not being the partner, I needed on my sexual journey. Talking to my ancestors, talking to the reiki ancestors, because I was sent with a purpose, and make no mistake, it is not easy.
The world is filled with darkness, I’ve seen this as I went to a gay club called Pink Panther, I left feeling dirty, and unjust upset with the reality paradigm, in that space. I am sensitive to vibes and I felt real darkness in that space, I know I could change it, but that is another blog story…unfolding.
My life as a healer is complex, like Willem says I am a nightmare sometimes because of what I do, and the work I do, I am not easy to live with. Left to my own devices, I would work all the time, I try and keep the balance with fun, but my purpose has taken over my life. I questioned this with the ancestors and the reiki lineage, a pound of fun, with a MOUNTAIN of endless Purpose work, I need to do. It is becoming difficult, because the more I am exposed into my partners world, people do not leave me alone, they want to talk, they want to vomit on me, they feel a connection and cannot stop talking to me. Truth spill from their mouths and they cannot help themselves.
So, what is the solution? Communication is surely the key for me, trying to find the balance with the spiritual work I do, to living a balanced life, of fun, joy and happiness.
I cried. I laughed. I asked for more balance in my life, I spoke to my partner and she wants the same for me. Currently, we have been manifesting #gig 4, so lets see what unfolds.
I realized the importance of what HOME is, and when so many are rejected from it, due to their sexuality, which is not a choice, but a force of nature in itself, I saw how when the psyche is fed pain, pain becomes the normal form of emotion it seeks for love an acceptance, however, if the psyche is fueled by Love, it grows to appreciate gratitude, flow, abundance, a solid connection to the Source, and the Ancestors.
I have first hand experienced of how Love and the lack thereof, can impact you. Love, I have so much love for healing and serving others. A tree is known by its fruit, but with the best nutrients of food, love, water, care, the spirit grows to be balanced and happy.
Happiness the fuel of life, without it, we live in famine, lack, brokenness, seeking searching and not finding what we truly need. Our attention is hooked and taken by the shiny things of life, all kinds of items, sex, drugs, drinks, partying, aching anything to fill the desire hole within.
I stand observing the madness of human kind, and I can fully understand the ache, the loss, the searching, the yearning, the re-trying, the re-learning to be truthful to yourself.
I am happy! I have found my space and place! I am happy, I found my equal and partner in crime. I have seen what unhappiness can bring, the pain, the pleasure, I can gladly say, love is magical, it grows deep within, it fuels what you can only imagine is possible.
I believe in this magic of Love, Reiki, Magic mushrooms and healing! To me, this is the path….. always.
I was indoctrinated about what is sacred and what is profane, from a young age. Church was good, clubbing or having fun or pleasure was bad. Dancing provocatively was bad, being seductive was bad, enjoying the feel of your body, was bad. Living a dualistic life, and hiding your shadow self, is not living your true spirit.
I thought being spiritual meant isolating myself, was I meant to live in a forest and have a boring old life? but I am realizing that a REIKI Life or Healing life, is to be living in every aspect of LIFE, shinning love and light on any situation, where you are.
So, I have been doing a little experiment of my own! I have been manifesting gigs for my partner in crime, so she can do her magic and be happy! (No! I’m not responsible for her happiness! this is my fun) We both are experimenting with our powers, we combined it, in order to find our limits and depths of what we can accomplish together.
For gig #1, it was fun, gig #2 was good, but gig #3 turned into a show with a huge party afterwards. It was called the LIP SYNC battle, where 4 Drag queens sang and were in costume, entertaining the crowd and having fun. I finally got my Priscilla Queen of the Dessert moment! yay! me. (Thank you) I spent time with each of the Drag queens, counselling them to become more confident for the show, and then spent another 10 minutes talking to the Owner, about some aspects of his business, I wasn’t happy with.
I hugged so many people! oh my God! I felt overwhelmed by the LOVE and acceptance of everyone, and the attention, and demand of interacting with me. I left the building, wanting 5 minutes of sanity, only to be followed by someone, who wanted to talk to me.
I enjoyed hanging with my tribe, I enjoyed all of the madness, the chats, the dancing, the total acceptance of who and what you are. I lost count, of the drag queens as more arrived and confused me, when entering the ladies toilet, only to be filled with men and queens.
So, in order to protect our energy, I created a energy field around the DJ box, I pumped the dance floor full of reiki energy, so people could just enjoy themselves and that is exactly what happened, with loads of drinking and fun, laughter, and joy.
Wafting the magic of reiki in life, is meant for everyone, we all seek love and need it! We all crave it and will do anything for it. On Saturday, we touched so many hearts and minds and life will never be the same for many, as they experienced, an amazing event of living themselves.
As part of the LGBT tribe, we are born of two spirits, male and female, and life moulds us differently, and we see things differently. It is a whole other world of languages, slang, belief systems, ideally – what makes you happy wins. There is loads of rejection, hunting for happiness, drugs, hurt, bruises, lost souls and then some.
There are vampires on the troll, looking for any inkling of love and light, I happily hid myself from all of it! because, I know my energy is like crack to the addict. It is a whole new world, it is a different view, but mostly, just people seeking to live their true spirit and love who they are becoming,……
Another epic adventure in Jozi! gig#3 done! lets see what No. Gig #4 brings. ….
As a child, I felt adulthood was filled with money and free time, no one ever explained that it came with so much response ability. The Sliver of adulthood is paved with blurred moments of black, white, and grey matter. Whats right for you, may be wrong for me, however, when you look at any of the paradigms, you realize that the key focus of being an adulthood, should be happiness.
Happiness! I have seeked you for so long, and now that I feel you, I am complete. I have been journeying in the realm’s of my own psyche, as I turn 45. It was a very low key birthday, for me.
No one made a fuss about my birthday, I was ambivalent about it, because I measured myself against an old paradigm of performance, when actually, I am doing pretty well. I use my birthday as a type of Yom Kippur of achieving goals, even though I know I am hard on myself, I still……do this.
I then decided to light a candle on a lemon and poppie seed muffin and just be grateful! My heart was filled with so many gratitude moments, that I decided to fill my heart with all the birthday wishes I received, and by the end of the day, I was overwhelmed with the amount of messages, I was text exhausted.
I went to bed feeling so loved. I have decided to impact more love on my psyche, during the 46th year of my life, to feel this whole has been my ultimate goal.
Love, you have left me seeking, evasive. I was broken for a long time, reiki, massage, counselling, healing helped repair the pieces of me, that I lost along the way.
I feel whole, I feel me, I feel that embracing every aspect of me, has opened a whole new world to me.
Sliver of Adulthood has shown me, that we are obligated to be happy.
Happiness can mean so many different things to everyone else.
To me, its being loved.
To me, its serving my purpose with love.
To me, its enjoying a meal with a friend.
To me, its allowing the simple pleasures of life, like eating ice cream on a hot day.
To me, its also surrendering to life, as is.
To me, its risking to find the answers, I seek.
To me, its stepping into the uncomfortable space, to grow.
To me, affirm and appreciate what is.
To me, to allow the messy parts of life, to teach me.
To me, to change into the best version of me, for me.
Can you feel lonely, with someone lying next to you. To hear them snore and feel so alone. To hold their hand and still feel lost. To make love, but not open the door of your soul and connect. To try so hard, it feels like you are digging your nails into concrete, so much that it bleeds. To search the depths of your soul, but knowing their is something missing.
The illusion of love, the myth of fairy tales, the stories untold, you force, you hope and after every argument you try again! Years go by and something starts to die, your soul. Every fight, chips away the cracks of you, until you have no idea, who you are. You become tame, you loose your creative energy, you close your heart, filled with Disappointment.
Disappointment of empty promises made, of dreams fallen to the ground, of words spoken and never ever fulfilled. When you make promises to someone, and you loose faith in their promise, there is no going back, nothing else will be the same. When you try and build a future, and the person, doesn’t ever measure up, you start to loose hope and faith.
The scraps of love, is no longer enough, the cracks in your soul becomes more, and the depth of the wound grows. The wild spirit inside knows the truth, she/he knows that there is no click, you know that this is not love, you know, it has shifted into a darker space of toxic energy. The words spoken break down your confidence each time. The little girl within so desperately craves the love, she lacks, the love of a mother, a friend, a lover, a partner that will intuit her needs, that will show up at the right time.
The spirit knows, it has lived in Soul famine for so long, she knows the dessert has been dry, the flowers no longer grow, and she is fading away. She longs to feel alive again, to feel the sun on her skin, the waves brushing against her body, the feel of curves and beauty, the sun bleached hair, the feel of love igniting her soul.
The feel of being loved so completely, that her brain is ignited, that her heart is afloat. The love that will transcend any love she has known. The love that connects her heart to another, a telepathic connection, a connection so deep it transcends even sleep.
Love once found, there is a click, there is a flow that you can only feel. From the outside, it makes no sense, from the inside it feels pretty amazing to click with someone. To share, so many values, dreams of the same nature.
It is a relief to not argue, not have to re-explain my vision. It is a relief to know, that I can just be myself, I no longer need to keep filling the cracks, no need to keep keeping the balance, or making someone else happy or die trying, because ultimately it is their journey.
I lived in that space for so long, trying, giving, sacrificing, chopping away the pieces of my own soul, for an inkling of happiness, which didn’t last.
Now, I wake up happy, I wake up with music in my soul, my heart, my spirit. I want to live, I want to be alive, I want to make mistakes, I want to live more, inhale deeper, meditate more, learn to love more, mostly for me.
Learning to relove, without the conformity of another, to truly be free and wild.
Finding my person, I shall call my twinflame, has changed my life. For the first time, in 40 years I feel complete. We share a spirit, we share powers, last night she had her first Gig for 2021, in Johannesburg and I had already set the intention in December 2020, for her to do a set of Dj-ing, once clubs re-opened. Watching her in action, on whats app, I can see the magic and how she uses her powers to influence others, and change vibration. We speak a language, that is the same, with tweaked differences, we chatted at 1am in the morning as she was on a “High” having played her best set, and having filled a nightclub and created happy people. We definitely, made the space unforgettable – A team effort.
I can completely relate! whenever, I massage anyone or send distance healing, I am on a REIKI high for sure, I happy to serve my purpose, I am happy to be of service with Reiki love and touch massage healing.
This week, I was asked : “What happens to Reiki masters, when they die? and I had never thought of it, the answer flowed….. Well, we go into a POOL of Reiki masters to help our students, and to be called upon, when needed. In that moment, I realized that even though I will die one day, I will still hold the presence and connection to helping my students and guiding them, on their healing journeys and adventures.
Immortality, wow! I would have never thought of it, here and beyond, I shall serve, I shall continue to do what I do, the magic of Reiki love and the Universe.
Love is such a beautiful emotion! Giving and Receiving a lovely exchange of flow.
The measure of love received, affects the measure of love you are able to give to your partner. In the paradigm of yin and yang, living in the sliver of magic, living in a space of unconditional love, which few find. I understand life a little better, I see how reiki love can heal, how the intuitive nudges keep flowing at any time of the day, how the body truly becomes a vessel, transmitting and deciphering messages received.
Everything in the Universe is energy. Good or bad is just opposites of the same coin. As I step deeper into the spiritual world, everyday, I find it hard to be in the real world. I find noise irritating, I shield our home from bad vibes, so I can just feel my spirit. I hate Sundays when there are church services in Masiphemelele, when they call up their spirits and waft them around the neighbourhood, creating chaos.
I place salt around the house to shield and protect us, and it helps.
Darkness the absence of love, Darkness the absence of light, Darkness the absence of what we need, Darkness a mood, Darkness a behaviour, Darkness a reaction, Darkness left untreated will fester into bitterness, anger, mean aggro reflection, depressed spirits, subdued inclinations will eventually bring chaos, because as a vessel of of light, every empath, will attract what they feel, think, and vibrate at.
With a deeper inner reflection, with the world in fear and chaos, it is important to realize that the highest vibration in the Universe is LOVE and GRATITUDE.
LOVE brings healing, when applied at the right time.
Living in a space of Gratitude opens the heart, amplifying love, bring forth what you need.
There is always a plan, a path, a journey, living anything else…but you’re authentic spirit, will no longer serve, your paradigm.
It is time to awaken, it is time to step up! every women, every man, every person, to lift the vibration of the planet, when we love, we change our entire cycle around us.
Will you serve Love or Fear?
Tomorrow, I have been on the earth for 45 years! this is my look…thus far. . . .
On Saturday 6th February 2021, she left, I felt terrible. I held her and it felt like a part of me was leaving, every fibre of my heart, was being ripped out. It took every inch of my courage, to be brave.
By Sunday, I was an emotional mess, experiencing the separation called “Lack of Attachment” it is a psychological term utilised in Child Psychology, when you experience such a great loss. The aura keeps looking for the person, to connect and feel fulfilled however, the loss of presence, shows symptoms of anger, withdrawal, emotional outburst, numbness, sadness. I am a fixer! I felt no! I cannot do this on my own. I cleansed myself with CLAY and let it dry, took a shower and disconnected for a while.
I took a dose of Magic mushrooms #13, and down the rabbit hole, I went.
Shadow self was in FULL SWING, I must tell you, the INNER SELF was distressed, this is what popped up!
The level of abandonment I experienced from the moment I was born.
Disappointment, whenever someone made a promise, and it was unfulfilled.
Self Love : The ability to Love, but also Self sacrifice for love.
Celebrating myself : Birthday Space
Connecting to my ancestors, deeper.
Spoke to Joy’s spirit and her ancestors.
Home is a space, where people love you, not a building.
Feeling of Music
LOVE …….. The trip lasted about 3.5hours, I laughed, I cried, I journeyed through my pain, to find the Love Within, and it served its purpose. I love this journey, and at the end of it, I was able to fill the cracks with REIKI LOVE and just readjust to this new journey and path. I am not afraid, I am more afraid of NOT LIVING, just existing and living a mediocre life. I am excited for the new changes and the new challenges of this journey. I am not a pigeon, to be sitting on the fence, I am a warrior, and I am ready. I have never backed down from a challenge, so feet first, I jump in. Lets see – what Wonderland, this is. . . . .
I was born into a space of rejection, my parents were ignorant, young, unaware of what I held as a person. My grandparents, happily assumed the role of parents, to their own detriment, as they were already old, when I arrived. Rejection was served well! Being a born a bastard into a religious conservative family with a moral fibre of a dualistic approach.
My grandfather practised his own rules of living, his own paradigm between the rules of apartheid and marrying someone from a different culture. I was always different, my perception was always one of logic, intuition and love. I felt rejected because I had lived with it for so long, and learned to adapt and adjust to it, knowing that it was a form of fear and ignorance, and that when you have no love, fear and pain is the emotion that rocks your base chakra and rooting that gives you a safety net of being separated from others and provides you with an US against THEM paradigm.
Rejection is all about you! I loved my self from a very young age, I felt rejection was all about the lies that we believe. This week has been a tough one, my inlaws happily disowned me and kicked me out of the fold, so to speak, yet. I just accepted the dose and was welcomed into a different tribe.
I happily changed my surname on facebook to LANGEMAN, which is what I am and will always be. I honoured my ancestors and CUT all ENERGETIC ties with my INLAWS and their bad vibes. I hold no grudge, but I know that it is a lack of LOVE, that was a catalyst in this story. Truth, be told, I have always had Willems back and I continue to do so, I am NOT the Bitchy ex wife, we actually get on better, now as friends, then we did as husband and wife. I love them, and I bless them, but its time to let go. (My intention was always to be kind and share love, its simple.)
Now, that the line has been drawn in the sand and the truth shines its light on the dirty laundry, left with streaks of the shadow self, the only path now is forward.
What I didn’t share on my blog was that “She” proposed on the 28 December 2020, and I was in shock! that I lost my words in replying. I was stuck in the moment, and hardly slept that night, because I was overwhelmed by the experience of being proposed too. I woke up on the 29th of December 2020 with a solution. 1. Come visit me in Cape Town and enjoy my life. 2. Meet Willem as he is part of my package. In the event of this being successful, we would get engaged.
Today, 6 February 2021, we have been engaged for one day! My heart is pumping chocolates filled with custard, the moment, we shared rings, their was a CLICK like never before, as destiny stepped in and another path was revealed. We have spent a week together, filled with Love, Laughter, Joy, Fun and FOOD. We enjoyed the ocean, we walked from Kalk bay to Fish hoek, enjoying the sunshine and just living.
We talked and laughed, we eat the same, we talk the same language, we think the same thoughts, we complete sentences together, we process the same aspects of life, like mirrors intertwined by some DIVINE spark.
So, reclaiming my old surname and honouring my ancestry, and embarking on a new adventure, as she moves down from Johannesburg at the end of February 2021.
We embark on a new journey, the DJ, the Tattoo artist, and the Healer.
I have sown the seed of justice many times, when I felt wronged in a situation, now years later, the fruits of my Justice seed has been harvested.
My first ex girlfriend, who chose to have a relationship with someone else, her girlfriend cheated on her for over a year, with a male colleague.
My ex boss who I disliked, was fired for embezzlement.
My friend who I had issues with in Mumbai, is on the brink of a divorce, as I predicted.
The seeds of justice flows both ways! it flows to the person and back to you, to explore your own truth, your own perception, and if there is an imbalance in your world, be assured, it will unravel and bring forth a new reality, like the ending of my 20 year marriage which was out of sync for a long long time.
Truth cuts through the bullshit like no other! The feelings you hide, the role you play, the serving in sacrifice will all float to the surface of your life and sooner rather than later be revealed. I honestly thought I was being a good wife, by staying married to someone I never clicked with, who I literally dragged on my path kicking and screaming. He was never woo woo, we just made it work, we are so different, and now everyday we disagree, if we are not making it an effort to get along.
The point is, I am an Alpha, I am a leader, I rebel and I don’t take instructions as I feel what I need to do deeply on an intuitive level. I have always taken control of a situation, I kept the balance and I can see how my actions has disempowered him as well.
So, I make amends, and allow him to be himself, not hindering the process of him truly finding himself. I stop myself everyday, because I want to fix him, and I have tried for over 20 years, and then I realized it is no longer my responsibility to do this, it never was.
A huge relief for me, as I refocus all my energy into a new partnership, where my focus is completely different. To love and to pleasure, I don’t need to fix her, she is her own person, she is a generator and I am manifesting generator in the Human design chart. Together, we complete one another, we channel each others gifts and enable and inspire each other, so that we can fulfill our goals, dreams, and purpose.
This time round, I have covered all my bases, I am trusting the other side……..
I asked her ancestors, permission to date her.
I had a Bone throwing re: her being my soulmate.
I had a human design chart created for us, as individuals and as a couple.
Reiki’d her everyday, to have a inside view of who and what she is.
Fifty nine days later and things are still flowing with fun, joy, and laughter.
If you had told me this 6 months ago when I was stuck, I would never have believed that I could have such happiness right now.
Sjoe! Life certainly has a sense of humour.
As I type this blog, my inbox is filled with music from her, my heart is filled with her presence, and I await her visit in 2 days time!
If memory serves me well, I have always loved change.
Willem and I sat staring at the ocean, chatting away regarding me of cause! He said, I have changed so much, I have grown into a different COLLEEN, its like I am a Changeling.
It made perfect sense, the moving, the deep seeking for answers, the journeying into my darkness to find my light. The excavating of myself, through pain which led me to healing of reiki. The deep need to heal my own wounds, has led me to helping others heal.
Healing with Love has been the path, paved with rocky stubbled stones, thorns that make you bleed all over the place, plasters that don’t hold the magnitude of the blood, until you reach the source and heal what can only be felt.
Feeling is the key to being an empath! I feel, I act, I am. Gut feel is never wrong, gut feel tells all, intuition shares what the seeing eyes, cannot.
Truth be told, I have grown up, I have journeyed to a space of being another aspect of myself. As I journey to reiki attunement #68 in March. I will be turning 45 in a 3 weeks, and for every year I have celebrated my birthday, I usually take 1 month to do it, but this year, I feel more fulfilled than every before.
I feel content and happy! and this is what I wished for, for every year, since I can remember.
My checklist :
Someone who loves me. Someone who is my equal. Someone who is on the same wave length of understanding. Someone who gets my sense of humour. Someone who understands my value system and morals. Someone who just feels what I do, where I don’t need to speak, too much.
For years, I felt happy with Willem, but I felt there was a big piece of my puzzle missing. We had a great sex life, a good partnership, a team effort where I was the husband and he as the wife, he had surrendered his male side to me, and I stepped into a role of being the Alpha. Now, over 20 years later, we realize our partnership was both positive and super negative to our own growth. Healing together is a journey for sure, using LOVE as a compass, in this journey of life.
It makes me think of so many people who like me stay in a relationship, for the sake of their partner, for the sake of peace, kids, pets, security and sacrifice their true happiness.
I am here to share, there is happiness after divorce. There is happiness when you find the person, You just click with. I realized I had never been in love before, or experienced the intensity of this emotion, the deep love for a person, the deep connection on a telepathic level, that is what drives people to keep seeking, the love they need.
Deep inside, is this hole that only that one person will fill, sure their are substitutes for love, like food, good sex, pornagraphy, creating drama, drugs, constant need to fix your partner.
I now, understand that when You love someone, You can accept them as they are, with the broken bits they bring, with the baggage of having lived a life, also seeking love, and that may include kids or ex spouse’s as well.
Life is difficult, but with LOVE and Healing, it just makes things better.
If you stuck between a rock and a hard place! reach out, I’ll hold you’re hand.
I never understood what shame was, until someone bestowed shame upon me. The shame of my mother, being wild and free, of pro-creating in the 70’s without being married. I was born into a space of shame and judgment. In my body positive journey, I have been working on moving more, enjoying every aspect of my body without judgment.
My exercise routine has been amended to dancing my four favourite songs by Santana. I love music! Flying in the garden, calling forth HUNA spirit and just smiling, laughing and giggling, being filled with so much energy and mana.
There was a moment where the word SHAME! just popped up.
SHAME?? shame for ancestry, relationship shame, being ashamed of your body, shame of who you are, shame of being you, shame of being rejected, shame of being imperfect, shame of non-conforming, You name it! I have had it. I embraced being a lesbian and there was shame connected to it. The lesbian world is all about the thrill of the chase, the chase ends in one night stands or having 2 or 3 partners in tow, never committing, followed by alcohol, molly, coccaine, meth, heroine, anything really to feel alive and fill the hole within. The psyche is a clever little minx and denies that problems ever existed by the scars left behind, leaving an impact on the body, mind, and spirit, which does need healing.
When visiting Johannesburg, I was judged for being healthy, in the lgbt community I was like, how about just eat your vegetables and drink water and Live in a loving relationship! Form connection, share intimacy, love, connection, sensuality. I was laughed at, I was criticised for being a goodie two shoes. When asked how many girlfriends I had, I said 3 and I was laughed at, I can’t make light of sharing my soul with another human being, shit! I sincerely, don’t have the time to even date, because my life is full and I am happy about that. I have love, I share love, I give love, and I refuse to be labelled a “silly bugger” or a “take away”. I attended Gay pride this year and all I wanted was to meet a Lesbian gay couple, who have been together for 20 years or so, but there were none. I met gay guys, who were together for 10 years, but the women were aloof, rude, and possessive.
I meditated on all the shame, feeling really eeky with this feeling! I released it, I accepted that like all humans have shame, I forgave all the hurts, I blessed it and moved on. I realize that no one including myself is absolute from this dreadful emotion.
I realize that building my own self esteem, and determining my own character, and my actions of accountability is UP to me, how I live this journey of mine.
As a Reiki Master, my oath is to do NO harm! I am super accountable to karma and the Universe. My karma is delivered instantly, I don’t have the luxury of waiting like others. Somedays, I fall off the wagon and fail at not getting angry or having to deal with a stupid person, but I retry tomorrow, because this is my path, my journey.
Meeting my other half, has changed me so much! Its been 54 days and I am surprised everyday, by how we mirror each other in personality, values, and believe systems. How we are on par with the same vision, to change this world, to bring forth more light where there is darkness.
How we believe that Love can heal, that changes one persons mind to good vibes, will change this world.
Love is such an amazing feeling, reiki love, love from one to another, love to the body, mind, and soul. Love the highest vibration in the Universe, used to create, used to heal, used to bring wholeness where it is needed.
We are all connected, in the great big world, we need touch, we need healing, we need to feel love and be loved, it stimulates the heart, it strengthens our immune system.
It brings forth the magic of the wisdom, we hold within, connecting heart and intuition coherence, we begin to synchronise with the earth.
When we step into a space of receiving, we open the path of gratitude directly linked to our Inner child. The inner child holds so much, to receive, you must know what love feels like, that warm fuzzy feeling of wholeness.
Receiving is a prayer like action, I feel, I imagine, I am grateful.
It creates magic in life, that can only be felt.
I am so grateful, for impacting this magic on so many! Everyday a balance of Yin and Yang is experienced in my world.
I am so grateful, I am thankful. I am in awe.
Tomorrow, a new chapter begins, to live and breathe Reiki, healing, purpose and Love.
(*Sungoma reading ….) The date is 4 September 2020, in the next year, my soul mate, shall appear, she is light, fluffy, my equal in energy and she is Light! I look forward to meeting her.
So…… we chatted on the 1 December 2020, via facebook. . . .
We had chatted on the 19th October, but she happily rejected me! which gave me the determination to UP my vibration and clear all the karma, relationship and personal shit, I in preparation for her.
I hugged her at Oliver Tambo Airport on the 25th December 2020, and I felt the click of the puzzle, its her. I held on tight, she was nervous, she was edgy and I was bursting with so much emotion.
We have talked everyday via whats app, via email, via video calls, via any means possible, really, since then. I have a personalised music playlist which soothes my heart everyday, as I know she created it, just for me.
She is my equal, we speak the same language, she understands my madness, she laughs at my dragon male side, when I swing my tail and fluff my scales. She is patient, she is kind, she is loving, she is very unique.
She owns her own magic of music as a DJ, she is clever, intuitive, a worthy opponent filling this space, that has become hers, in my heart and soul. I have known her for 49 days, and it feels like a lifetime, she just filled that space, completely.
Where I am normally the person, who rocks other people’s world, she has completely shook mine upside down. I flew to Johannesburg to meet her, to see her world, with no expectation, I thought, if this is a fling, then let it happen! but after 5 days, we realized there is deep connection on every level, physical, emotional, telepathic, sexually and spiritually.
Some days, I am in shock at the magnitude of the feelings of attachment to her, the need to speak to her everyday, the endless missing, the deep connection of Love, even the sound of her laughter has an effect on me. We feel each other over time and space, this is a deep twin flame connection. We keep the balance, when its my off day, she stands firmly grounded. When its her turn, I hold space for her as well.
I step forward, scared spitless! I step forward knowing she is changing me! I step forward ready for whatever she brings.
I feel the universe is laughing at me, right now! The odds of meeting my soulmate during a pandemic, living 1400km away and being my equal.
As I know, Life has a funny way of working out!
Let it flow…Be like water, even if you do kick and squirm in the pool….. Move forward.
I walked an unconventional path, each footstep, leading to another epic adventure.
How many people can share that about their lives? Back then I was married and seeking, now in a partnership that I have NO control of. It certainly feels weird to not be male driven in my approach, I am completely surrendering to this path, because, having had 4 failed relationships, using my male side to steer it, it just didn’t work. My heart steers with intuition now, and yes sure! it makes no sense to others, but this time round, its the captain of the ship, and I take a leap, knowing the risk, and just going with the flow.
On my journeys and travels, I have learnt many lessons, so I thought, I would share, some adult wisdom with you.
Strawberry fields, nothing is real. People lie and pretend, watch their actions and see the truth.
It is you’re deepest obligation to be happy, make it happen.
You are NOT a tree, MOVE, and find your space of peace.
If you need Ocean, if you need mountains, don’t stay where you are, move.
When you listen to your intuition, it is about Risk, Trust, Surrender, simple.
Acting from a space of Head, never serves Spirit.
Healing is a female energy, and not male energy, it is not task orientated.
When life gives you shit, scoop it up, and use to create something.
Life is NOT supposed to be easy.
The hard things which are uncomfortable is worth it.
Have a tribe, connect with people, you need to.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice, either USE your pain, or heal it, don’t live in limbo.
Naysayers will be everywhere, but frankly, if they do not pay my bills, you’re opinion does not count.
When Laughter, joy, fun, dancing leaves the building and EGO takes over, its Oh so Personal! be aware, do not let it happen.
People do what they have been taught! it is Never ever personal.
Hurt people hurt people, its an actual thing, so be aware.
In search of yourself, LOVE yourself, honour who you are, know your worth.
Treat yourself well, self talk, grows your spirit, and so does being confident in your skin.
Be Beautiful, I was so afraid to be pretty and gain attention, but I am who I am, celebrate you.
You decide, the type of person, you want to be, everyday, you receive a clean slate, make it count.
Take the pictures, eat the ice cream, drink the wine, do the yoga, find your balance.
Have orgasms, have sex, never limit Pleasure in your life, it is surely hard enough.
Life is messy! its difficult, messy, then balance kicks in, let it happen.
Perfect is a myth! Imperfection rocks, live your imperfect self.
Wear perfume and make up at every occasion. Pamper yourself.
If you have spoken your truth and nothing happens, in your relationship, end it, leave it, stop waiting for change, it won’t.
Deep inside, rests your Intuition, it is never wrong, listen.
Never obsess about the negative, it is just the absence of Love, simple.
Live authentically! Don’t overshare your EGO and Suffering, it is temporarily.
Be grateful for every living moment you have, as tomorrow it can all end.
Read more. Switch off the screens.
Meditate, twice a day.
Be Kind! sometimes, you never know how 1% of kindness can impact a soul.
Choose your battles wisely.
Do something that scares you, often! I did, I now have 18 tattoos.
LOVE with all your heart, with every fibre of your being, love your life.
Share : what you have, money can be someone else’s seed.
Practise receiving everyday, with an open heart.
Fall in love with music, everyday.
Dress, like a Goddess, affirm your body.
Laugh at the madness often.
Step out of your comfort zone, often, go do something crazy.
My day started as per normal, reiki, yoga, exercise, followed by a mouth hanging open snooze meditation. I showered and got ready to face the normal world, of the Vehicle traffic license department.
I think 2021, is the year of Patience. The impatient, will be frazzled and fearful.
I started sitting in the vehicle licensing queue at 7am until 10.30am. I was reiki ing the queue, speeding it up and just chilling, listening to the fear and negativity, hooking peoples attention around me, re: COVID and deaths.
I have learnt that sometimes things are uncomfortable, but as I step into it with understanding, acceptance and surrender, giving it space to work out, it does.
Being uncomfortable is actually frowned upon! We are enabled to grasp instant with an app, or be gratified, with entertainment or pleasure when what actually matters takes exercise, discipline and endurance.
Life was never meant to be easy Or smooth!
We grow when tossed into the fire, only to rise up and be victorius. We learn to adapt, to mould our roots to a situation, and to surrender.
2021 seems to be a year of Surrender, but also a year of creating an inner world that reflects what you feel.
Feeling is the key to being an empath, a super power, which sheds light on our abilities to serve others.
Staying in your skin! Is important, as our energy becomes an antennae for vibes, as we learn to decipher, where the wounds are so we can help them heal, without absorbing it and hindering our own growth.
To the unseeing fixer, they only seek to fix the need to ease their pain, but true healing goes deep with reiki/ counselling/massage is a journey, it takes an all seeing eye to assess the behaviour which affects the patterns of our true self.
I left the traffic department ANGRY at how long a 5 minutes procedure took, and how I would change it! if I was in charge. We live in a world, that frowns upon efficiency, where lazyness and ease is promoted, but true growth, sits with the uncomfortable.
After, spending 3.5 hours in the real world, and feeling all the negative vibes, I retreated to my sanctuary, with tea, water, and a banana. I smudged myself, cut energy cords, ate a good lunch and had a nap! I channelled huge amounts of energy to boost the queue, I said a prayer of thanks for the help to the Reiki ancestors.
Sometimes uncomfortable, is needed! sometimes, I can fix things, but sometimes surrendering to it, is the plan of action.
This year, I will pay the registration via the App, so I can opt out of this lesson.
Everyday, I wait for something amazing! Having a conversation filled with Laughter, a joke shared, a complete stranger, asking for my Smart Shopper, so I can have his points to the value of R1700! How amazing! is that.
Waiting for something amazing! has always served me well. I call upon it from the universe with gratitude and love, and I keep focused! No matter what circumstances of chaos is happening around me, I separate myself from it, and keep flowing into my happy space.
I am happy! I have found what I was seeking, and it feels good to wake up with music playing in my head and heart! You just feel things so much better, when you are happy and flowing in Love. It also helps, that she created a playlist for me, which I listen to everyday, what depicts her feelings for me.
So, to share how I keep creating a space for something amazing? Gratitude, whatever flows, I am grateful for, I find my happy space and keep tuning into it. YES! Somedays, I fail and tomorrow, I wake up and tune back into love (Reiki) and start over.
Sometimes, I fail, sometimes I fall, but I get back up and I start over. I know I am human and sometimes the crazy is overwhelming! I feel things intensely, so when my body is overtaxed, I first go and cleanse with clay, a ocean walk and chant, and sleep is my refuge to reboot me.
My life has become a flow! what flows is determined by what I feel, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I am learning to honour my needs more with love.
Learning to speak up sooner, rather than late, when something offends me.
Learning to say NO! when I am no longer happy with a situation.
Learning to Adult from a space of Wholeness, in terms of what is required, like car services, renewing vehicle registration, etc.
Learning to change and adapt, and compromises which aids flow instead of being stubborn.
Learning to live in the magic of Life, knowing that their is always a path of love, kindness, and generosity.
The year of Aquarius, is the year of balance for me, and bringing forth more of my true self.
With my mini-adventure to Johannesburg, it disrupted my normal goal setting routine for 2021.
I felt agitated by this realization, as by the 1st January 2021, I have all my ducks in a row for myself, it is downhill to my birthday, but I know I am a total control freak! in this regard.
Finding the treasure that I have found, is one in a million for sure, and since I have this deep obligation to be happy, I sincerely am. I am happy, my plans are splattered, my routine sleep pattern is still adapting to the last Reiki Attunement.
2021 has been a surprise year for me, I got what I asked for and I feel very grateful, overwhelmed, scared spitless, nervous yet excited, because my entire future is going to change in a small space of time. YES! I have prepared for change, I got fitter, I meditated more, more reiki, more journaling, but it never prepared me for the intense change and life enhancing emotions, it has delivered.
Life, you certainly bring me curve balls! I am up for the adventure everyday!
So, in order to focus, I have divided my goals into :
PERSONALLY : Self growth : Yoga, Meditation, Movement, Fuelling my body well, Reiki and Massage, Fitness.
PROFESSIONAL : Serving my Purpose, help those who are ready to heal. Teach Reiki. Step deeper into my path, as a healer/therapist/shaman.
FINANCIAL : Save to build our Home in St Helena Bay
GROWTH : I will be collaborating soon, to create a ON LINE Streaming Radio Station.
LIVING : Living a Full life, is essential for what I do, when I am happy, I create the most magic, when I step into the FLOW of Divine Synchronicity, love flows…. So I keep at it.
I know, I keep changing/ adapting and becoming more of who I am!
The key is SURRENDER, I cannot share this more and more on my path, step, wait, surrender, take the RISK, Trust in the path.
Life always works out, so I step forward into 2021! ready for another piece of the puzzle unfolds.
My Christmas morning started at 2am on 25th December 2020, I was nervous, excited, petrified and anxious. I needed to arrive at the airport at 4am, within the COVID curfew restrictions, my flight would leave for Johannesburg at 7am, I was on time. I observed so much! I ensured I did not take my pendulum along, for safety sake, I removed all my crystals for security, and this time round I wasn’t body searched. I sat at the airport feeling excited for my new adventure. What would people be like? What would it be like to meet the mirror of who I am?
Love, even when fake, a hug, a caring person, a hand held out, we all need it. If we have lived in the space of a famine existance, we will accept the love that sparkles, until we Lift our vibration to match, what we need to attract! I met her on the 19th October only to be rejected instantly, which fueled my make over for myself. I started doing more inner work, to fill the hole, I felt in my soul.
I have found a blanket of acceptance in those who carry their pain, who live freely and who openly share their scars in the lgbt community.
I entered a new world, where nothing is what it seems, fascades are everywhere, masked by drinking and smoking, filling the void is the focus with new partners, over swiped cards/credit cards and debt.
Having fun, joy, laughter living your spirit is never wrong. If it is your inclination to wear heels or make up, so be it.
It is our deepest obligation is to be happy, to find a space to be yourself.
We are born into a broken world, with broken parents who easily implant their scars upon us, programming our minds and spirits.
Living a life of having two spirits in a LGBT life, is never easy. We are created in the womb, and the inclination to be attracted to the same gender, is a reaction to all kinds of psychological mishaps, pertaining to the Mother Wound. Being gay poses all kinds of sexual threats, a shortened life span, and no happy ending. It is fleeting and aggressive, a life of drinking, smoking, drugs, sexual partners, the hunt is on. Twisted realities, fascades and secrets, fetishes and then some, words spill from their mouths with no regard for feelings, but pure entertainment to be vulgar and crass. I endured all of it, because, I fought back asserting myself, my life and my paradigm. Thank you!
If you are not in my Arena, with blood, sweat and tears, fighting to find your space of belonging, you’re empty words do not matter to me. I am happy! I create my life as I step onto my path, I seek no approval, and I affirm, I will keep doing amazing things.
My happiness was like bitter sweet water, filling their egos! The mixed reactions to who I am, fueled their fires…… the reactions were :
growling 2. barking 3. puppy love These were the reactions towards my energy field, when introduced to people, once offered a drink or a cigarette or meat, I refused and a whole different topic was opened for discussion, followed by intrusive questions and inappropriate behaviour.
Some moments were fun, but when the fun ended, the true colours of Shadow self, showed themselves to me, and I challenged it and look it straight in the eyes, lets just say I left Johannesburg, with more dislikes than likes, the point is I am not a sheep people. I refused to be challenged by someone else’s opinion, especially if you are a 22 year old and in debt. I refuse to not speak my truth, I refuse to conform and not be me. I learnt alot about the gay community in the last 5 days, I attended a queer Xmas party and this has given me so much insight into everything.
The naiive Colleen who wanted to save the queer community, realized that Darkness cannot fulfill the inner seeking of Love, it can only fill it with emptiness of the 5 sensory level, without the sacred love it seeks.
All of these people have experienced one trauma or another, from rape, to bad parenting, to drugs, these harmed human beings, are all Empaths and Healers. Each and every person, I connected with was also open to the Love Reiki that pumped through me, when I was around them, there was connection. I could feel their pain, I could feel the hole in their soul, that needs healing, but as I have learnt You need to want to become a better person, for yourself.
The magic wand of Reiki, heals you but you have to do the INNER conscious work, with honesty, raw vulnerability, entering the deep Shadow self to heal what you hide from yourself. Allowing the LOVE into the cracks of pain, you have lived off for so long, in truth is no easy task, I know I have journeyed through all of it, it takes bravery and courage, it is the most amazing experience to feel whole, to feel love, to be able to accept it, and to serve from a space of wholeness.
I may have been broken when I started this journey in 2005, but I am whole and so happy right now, I have entered different worlds to learn and grow, to understand.
I write this blog having found and affirmed my purpose, but happily to retreat to my own WOO WOO world, to protect what I hold most sacred, the Reiki and Healing magic, those who seek healing will find me, when the Student is ready the Teacher appears.
I also completed Reiki Attunement #67, Caroline Weihs : Reiki Level 2 : 30 December 2020, another extra ordinary journey of Life begins.
I wish you an awesome 2021, give yourself an Clean slate, fill you with Love, and Allow a new journey to start.
When I was looking for Love, I was lost. I was lost when I found Willem, going on Head and not heart. I was lost when I fell in love with my first 3 girlfriends, seeking a space to be myself.
CONFORMING TO FIT INTO SOCIETY! LIVING A TAMED Life. I was a good wife. I loved, I cared, I paid a price for a long time, my own happiness!
Now! I am free to be who I am, yes I was wild and free within the confines of what I allowed myself, but now after coming out of the closet, I feel like myself each day. I am dancing more, I show up for myself each day and I grow deeper into loving who I am.
Sure! I made mistakes, sure I tried to make relationships work for far to long, because I so badly wanted a happy ending, I was desperate to have that percentage of LOVE, that fulfills my soul, while starving in the process.
So, let me share all the ways I looked for love : DATING ………
Tinder – NO person matching your description over a 70km radius.
Facebook – A lot of freaks, my Goodness!
The Cape Town Lesbian group on Facebook – no thanks
The Bumble app – I felt there were to many left over people there, to much baggage.
Whats app group – There are groups of women who create whats app groups, but this just freaked me out.
So, I decided that if a nice looking person pops up on my facebook, I will say HI! and maybe just maybe, there will be a click.
So, I was rejected many times, I was told to Fuck off! and then I just SURRENDERED!
I decided, I will raise my vibration, get fitter, be cleaner, wait, eat healthier, just focus on growing myself.
It happened! I met her on the 19th October and she automatically rejected me, which was a catalyst for change, and a clean out process for me.
Its been 23 days, I am tired, I am happy, I am exhausted because we chat so much!
But, I felt I needed to share my path with you, if you are seeking love.
Raise your vibration from desperation, to Wholeness.
Be aware of baggage : At age 44 my baggage is a failed marriage, 3 ex girlfriends and a very weird life, living WOO WOO! So, as I approach this, I need to be an adult, and accept other peoples baggage with ease.
Be realistic! I could never date a lean yoga chick, it would irritate me so much! I am fiery and fiesty, so I would need someone to match my vibe and also be an ALPHA, swimming with the ducklings is not for me. Also, having NO backbone will also just annoy me. So, she must have a big personality, a brain, be strong, because I can stand my ground.
Sexual compatability – I steer a clean ship! I went for a HIV test yesterday, not because I was exposed but because, if you are entering a new relationship, it is best to have an adult approach! Lets face it, we all have sex, lets show up for ourselves on this level. I actually had a lovely chat with the Nurse, she taught her little girl about being Sexually healthy. Her daughter is 25 and goes for test regularly with her new partner and they need to have a clear Sexual sheet, before they get it on! How wise, to raise a child, with such standards. We also agreed about having psychological analysis before, you procreate life.
It is the 21st century! dating via a candle during courting is gone! its Whats app emoji’s and video calls, and more text and emails and surprise messages in the middle of the night! I can say dating takes alot of time! OMG! so prepare yourself, get fitter on every level. Take Naps.
Build a strong foundation of friendship, so you can talk, laugh, share, and say anything. A open friendship, creates a basis of real love, a deep rooted vibration of intimacy.
Let LOVE be the Key! not fixing. This is very important for every empath to know. Let them fix their life, and not use your magic to repair their life! very important.
Have fun! Don’t forget to have fun, don’t overthink it, be in the moment.
The memory is never perfect, we remember based on the mental state, we are in.
I visited my neighbour Sandra, who has been in my life, since I was 4 years old. She has been one of my surrogate mothers, she pointed out that I was the most loved child, in our family! I was like “really”? My mouth hung open! She said, everyone loved you so much, and then it hit me, it is true.
I have been loved so much! My wounds were so intense, that I couldn’t see it. They say, we see things as we are, not as they are. When we heal the wound, we let the LOVE in, and we change, how amazing is this? That we have the capacity to heal, grow and learn to be the best version of ourselves.
There is so much happening! The Reiki attunement adjustment process is on going, my taste buds have changed! Fish is the most vile thing, that enters my mouth. Eggs are a no no! Fruits and vegetables and nuts are the foods of the day! I love them so much and water, the thirst quencher.
I am changing so much! I completed an amazing massage yesterday, my client left feeling shinning bright in her element of spirit. I can share that the body speaks even louder to me, it brings forth gentle voices of what is needed. The body as a specimen of life, is the most amazing vessel of light, the healing light of Love changes its vibration and frenquency within, opening possibilities for healing, without judgment.
Everything is heightened, everything is more. The feel of the breeze on my skin, the smell of the sea breeze, the smell of suntan lotion on fresh sun soaked bodies, even the ocean responds to me, faster, as I call forth spirit.
The force and determination to do what I love is strong! The energy of Reiki a force, you can only feel, it teaches me so much! I know I have shared all of this before, but unless you actually feel it, and embrace it into your life! you cannot understand it!
Everything changes after an ATTUNEMENT, the feels of addressing skeletons, becomes a mountain of chaos, everything becomes so amplified, so I feel it is imperative that you cleanse, cleanse and cleanse some more.
As I embrace stepping into the next Reiki Attunement, #67, as we enter the age of Aquarius on 21th December 2020, we will all remember 2020 as a hard year, but a year worth living and growing into.
On the edge, I sit and view my life. Yesterday, we signed the final documentation for the Plot of land in St Helena bay, the adult feeling was invigorating, as we step forward in creating our sanctuary in the future.
You know when you’ve asked for someone for so long, and here she is, in all her glory, fiesty hardcore, all the characteristics of what I seeked! I am scared with every fibre of my being, she will change me, so I sit on the edge inhaling, exhaling clinging to the aspects of myself, that I hold dear.
I have surrendered to the path, I want to control it, I want to be safe, I want to keep my heart safe from any harm, I want to keep my reality of the “good” life in tact and so does she. It is very ironic that we feel each other over time and space, even though we are separated by 140 000km.
The telephathic connection is strong! Yes! I know if someone had told me this story months ago, I would probably have a tantrum and plead insanity.
Truth be told! Surrender is a deep seated word, I have learnt to surrender to my Reiki path to embrace what I cannot see but feel, it makes no sense to the eyes that glance through the window, but to me, it feels like a glove fitting so comfortably!
The ego wants to control, seeks to build walls to protect and keep us safe, when we feel vulnerable, exposed, true, real, raw, but love restores and connects, so it is a unlearning to protect ourselves, which actually serves our highest good to grow.
So, how to SURRENDER CONTROL?
Make peace with being uncomfortable.
Each day, do a chore which you keep avoiding.
Clean out your house, your wallet, your car weekly.
Switch off the Netflix.
Go outside, and dance barefeet.
Sit quietly, meditate, connecting to your inner child, assuring him or her, it is safe to do so.
Reiki : Receive reiki to shift the old patterns.
Breathe Deeply! into the present moment.
Trust, Risk, Surrender to what is.
Commit to moving forward, NOT looking back.
Surrender, to your path.
My first tattoo, by Willem : Thor hammer with power of 3 charmed, and Feyhoo, Gebo, Winjo : Fire, Gift, Joy! more signs….for the path.
I sit with a smile on my face, my cheeks hurt, I am exhausted after talking to her, every free minute of the day! Day 17! She is an alpha, she speaks my language, its like looking in the mirror, we click.
Fucken! Universe! you know I quit looking! she told me to fuck off! on 19th October 2020. I cried in the Garden, I surrendered and I just closed the door. I cleaned up my mess, I ended relationships that no longer served me. I cleansed, I focused, I cried my heart out, I called her spirit, and said if you exist, just let me know.
Thing is I have felt her, since I was 4 years old, her soft eyes, her gentle curls, her smile and I have looked everywhere for her. The irony is when I moved, she moved, when I left, she left Cape Town, our lives are in sync in so many ways, as if we have felt each other for years, unaware, searching, seeking longing.
She is smart, clever, attractive, a hot mess I call her and I have no desire to fix her, all I seek is to love her. She is fiesty this warrior of a women, she surprises me everyday on so many levels. She teaches me with love, with words that only she can know, with knowledge that my spirit can only share with her.
I sit with my mouth open wide, my heart open completely open, my sleep pattern fucked, my eating pattern fucked but I dance more, I do more huna flying, I feel more, I am just more complete. I surrender control, in the past I had a plan, I had a timeline, now I am thrown all my rules, standards and fear to the wind.
I step fully into this journey, I dip my toes into what feels like home, like a safe space being truly uncomfortable in surrendering. She is more than I can explain, she is bigger than life and is also a celebrity, she has her tribe, she is powerful!
She has her own magic, she does her best work in the dark, like me. We resonate well together, like a well tuned guitar, finding the perfect rhythm, finding the harmony of life.
She makes the last 2 years make sense, deeply, every minute with her fulfills on a level, I never knew existed. Imagine a Colleen, mirrored, I am gobsmacked!
Before this started, I asked her ancestors permission to date her, I asked mine as well. I keep asking the pendulum, if she is my soul mate, and the answer so far is Yes and yes! Day 17* I am stupidly happy, I am silly, I feel light, I am not carrying.
I choose to Love, only, and be happy! my deepest obligation to her, to love, to serve, remember what we have forgotten, when we lost each other, to keeping filling in the puzzle of life.
Another epic tale in the making! How, I love my life.
I am deeply grateful for reiki, the healing and for those who love me.
So, its been 9 days since the Reiki Masters Attunement, oh how I miss sleep. My student has been studying a Zoom Online : Breathework Course which occurs between 8pm to 3am, in the morning. By 12pm, my sleep is over! and I am awake until about 3am.
I started writing this blog, with the intention of discussing the Value of a Human being, however, as I progressed to this page, the words – substitute for love, keeps popping up.
Like a drug addict, I have substituted many things for LOVE. Food, people pleasing, giving, sharing, self martyrdom sacrificing, for the scraps of love, I felt I deserve.
Love, I seeked you with a big percentage of myself, even though I was broken. In my brokenness I found aspects of the love, I found loyalty, adoration, Godlike love, commitment, dedication, co-operation, teamwork, support, and a good life. What I lacked, the hole in my soul, kept showing up, deeper, wider, I needed female love, and I wasn’t prepared for what I learnt.
I learnt I am a people pleaser, and even though I knew it wouldn’t work for a year, I still kept at it, trying to force it, fix it, impose my will on a dying relationship. Admitting failure was hard, suppressing what I needed, even harder.
You know you have lived off the scraps of love, when the hole is never filled. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, the author of Women who run with Wolves: she speaks of the neglect, this hunger in the soul, as we will do anything, accept anything to feed it, to quench it.
The spirit is youthful and young and innocent, we seek love, because spirit seeks what is pure and loving. Injury to the spirit and ego when we are children, can cause a loss of natural instinct to preserve and take care of oneself. We become vulnerable to people, substances, but inside the thing that is looking good, but its something that kills the spirit, as soon as we bite into things.
Loss of Spirit : Freedom to move and express yourself. We are originals, over domesticate us, then you over socialize a person, they no longer resemble a natural creature, they loose their glow inside of them. The famine is then set up, starvation of the soul, the circuitry between the soul and spirit, is affected.
Once you have lost your protection, lures of bad relationships, people, substances, come to hinder the spirit.
I feel the amount of trauma I was exposed to, harmed my spirit, but never impacted my soul. I found reiki and the Healing Reiki Attunements, have reignited my spirit on so many levels. The reiki has been the most profound teacher to me, in every aspect of my life.
In my perception, my approach, my believe system, my behaviour, my lifestyle, my entire being. It teaches me so much via signs, Spirits, Intuitive nudges, and shows me the future. I don’t get to control the future, I see the glimpses of it, and I cannot change it. I prepare for what is to come, a surrender.
A deep surrender is needed, with a dash of trust and risk. Sometimes, I don’t understand it and then wisdom and connecting the dots kicks in, its like a puzzle.
Life is like a puzzle for me, I step forward deeply sensing this unknown feeling of Surrender, it is uncomfortable, it gives you no warm fuzzy feeling. It is real and true and it is only felt deeply within the depths of my spirit! I have grown accustomed to it. This year has been a lifechanging growth in discipline, selfcare and facing the aspects of my Shadow self, in order to grow deeper into myself.
Addressing what has grown in the dark, neglect, starvation of the spirit activating the “mother wound” connection, learning to filter the reiki love into the cracks of my being.
I have found reiki, meditation, yoga, dancing are vital tools in shifting my energy with a deep connection to Mother earth. To feel the wind on my cheeks, the sand under my feet, the whispers of the clouds, the gentle words from the ocean, sharing their magic with me.
Everything is energy! it is alive and whether good or bad it does not matter. The energy is destined to be created, to fruition, whatever thought, felt, spoken grows.
Like seeds they at sent into the Universe, in the darkness of matter created, and it will happily become a reality in our life, what we sow, will be reaped.
An organic journey of life, a life filled with learning, growing, letting Love into the cracks, and starting over if need be.
A life, so profound, that it unfolds to your highest good!
When I first met you as a horny teenager, I thought lust was love. I kissed many, I shared heart break and broke hearts. I dated many men in search of my partner, 58 to date, only to realize, I was looking for a women! damn! So funny, love. You keep surprising me.
Love you keep teaching me. The language of Love, is like happiness. You need to be still, you need to tune in, you need to learn the lingo. It doesn’t teach you, when you are noisy, it waits to show you, what love is.
Love is sweet, Love is kind, Love is romantic. Love is making someone a sandwhich when they are hungry, with tea. Love is standing still and receiving a hug. Love is holding space, when the hurt is spread on the floor and the tears, are running down your cheeks. Love is sitting quietly meditating and having Tomtom kiss your cheek (my cat) or flick his tail, to be close to you. Love is waking up, with music in your head, even though, your heart is aching.
Love is also letting go, of someone who no one serves your higher purpose. Love is letting the heart heal, even if you feel sad. Love is cleaning the toilet everyday, because there is too much dust. Love is having clean underwear that fits well. Love is drinking water, when you are super thirsty. Love is exercising when all of you hurts already.
Love is sacrificing something, for a goal. Love is exposing your heart, and putting it at risk, to be raw and vulnerable. Love is stepping up, into adulthood because it is time. Love is cleaning the slate, with forgiveness, because You are worthy, and its ok, to fail and make mistakes.
Love is being still, taking a nap, chanting at the ocean, eating Lindt balls everyday. Love is giving yourself so many orgasms, that your hand hurts, but it is worth it. Love is sharing laughter, fun, joy, spirit.
Love is saying sorry, before the hurt festers. Love is living with an open heart, even when you’ve been hurt.
The day started like any other, but I felt excited! I felt I needed to get ready to do my cleanse.
We started with a CLAY RITUAL of smudging and blowing cigar smoke on one another. The clay dries and you energetically close portals to sexual partners, and reiki students, it is part of the journey.
I walk this path, and yes! it is amazing, but it is lonely. Willem stands by my side, trying to keep up but sometimes, he too, wants to hide, to run away, to have some form of normality, but this is not what we signed up for.
We signed up for an extra ordinary life, daily cleansing has become so automatic, Imphepho salt baths with rose quartz, washing away connections, everyday.
The Bentonite clay cleanse, has been part of the journey, with every pending Reiki attunement: Cleanse, get ready, get stronger, here we go.
I embark on another Magic Mushroom trip cleansing the emotions, I hide within my Shadow self. The deep love I share for two people, the dreams of healing the Lgbt community and tribe, the healing of women, the connection of Ancestors, teaching new healers, creating new babies, and being open to new ideas, that have been destined for me.
I know, its a lot but I am an extra ordinary human being, I love puzzles. The human body, including my own is a puzzle, I connect the dots, utilising intuition, ancestors, visions, dreams and watch for the signs to come.
My visions on my trip, are colour filled, emotional, filled with corridors of life, which path to close, which path to venture down, I love it.
I never wanted a mundane life, I seek to be an adventurer to find my way, to shed my light upon my path, as I wanted it.
To my deepest core, I am a fixer. I see a problem and intuitively, there is a solution. Man kind never liked a wise ass, as a small person, I was bullied, hurt, harmed, so I gymed harder to get bigger, stronger, so I am no longer a push over.
It was showed to me today, how strong I am, well rooted. I am serving my purpose, I am walking this path. It is hard, but like any surgeon will tell you, to do anything, you need to eat, sleep, drink, step into it.
Nothing else, makes sense anymore! Working on a body, sending healing to the human body, this is what makes me tick. Normal life, like eating out, or socialising no longer feed my curiosity. Instead send me a puzzle, to decipher and I am most happy.
Send me a broken person, and I will read their soul, I will journey through their life, like flipping through a book! I love what I do, and I am teaching others to do the same.
The fixer, comes with a double edged sword. Truth! I spent 20 years fixing Willem from every aspect of his life : depression, finances, business, family, father, mother, and he has impacted on me, by doing the same. The sword cuts deep, I realized I wanted to fix “her” I wanted her to love exercising as I did. I wanted her to make good decisions for herself, and resist self sebotage, I wanted her to complete the counselling course we paid for, I wanted her to be debt free, so we could have a happy ever after. I wanted to fix her, I pumped her full of reiki everyday, which she never saw. I removed the people she carried only to have her open herself up and absorb their pain, again and again.
Slowly, I just withdrew, I couldn’t keep at it, I could not carry another partner, I reached my limit. I would continue to want to fix – which was not my life to fix! the consequences there of, were not mine. I need to choose what makes me happy.
I know the signs, I did it all before. I sweeped in with my martyr sword, and I took over Willems life, I fixed the debt he owed, I fixed, I gave, I helped, I healed, I mentored, in the process, I lost myself. My needs became less important, my wants became bleek, my spark started to fade, I became depleted. Willem and I have both impacted on each so much, 20 years with a partner, is a path, that you cannot explain to someone after 2 years of weekends and after hours. My life is many things in 1 day, and unless you actually present, I cannot share it with you, so I choose another path.
As the days, start to draw close to the Reiki Attunement, I can feel my body preparing itself. The Reiki masters are ready, my student is ready. I am prepared, I have said goodbye to myself, I surrender to what I need to do.
I love my life, I love my routine.
I love simple, I love Reiki and teaching it.
I love Willem, and I love the journey of dreaming together brings.
I love serving, this is my path! Trust, Risk, Surrender.
Since I completed my last Reiki Attunement on 11 November 2020, things have been fast tracked. I hardly remember the days anymore, the nights are short, and sleep evades me. The messages are being delivered at all hours, do this, teach her, complete that, cut this.
Its happening, I am loosing track of time. Tomorrow, will feel just like Monday, Saturday feels like a public holiday, and Sunday is just weird. My Reiki master spoke about these days, where things would change to fast, and you don’t keep up. She spoke about how the Reiki path takes over, nothing else matters. Not food, Not sex, Not money, Nothing but the moment where time stands still and you imprint on someone, with a Reiki Attunement.
On the 30th November, I embark to create a New Reiki Master, fresh out the box! Clean, cleansed, a powerful being she will be. Her ancestors, her guides, her psychic abilities are epic, she is pure magic. I will be taking a isle seat to watch her, the show will be amazing!
Back to my reality! I think I had sex once after my last attunement, and I received a whiplash of negative karma belonging to my partner. I was pissed off! because it meant that I am starting to vibrate on a higher level of consciousness, which does change the ball game of connecting sexually.
Imagine you are radio station, your frequency is 99MHZ and your partner vibrates at say 44MHZ, naturally you will take on the balance of the vibration, and be pulled down during the process. Issues like anxiety, depression, self hate, self loathing, “role” playing with others, and failure to live spirit or listen to intuition, including procrastination, lack of discipline, and the list goes on. I was faced with resolving these issues, and I could no longer continue clearing anothers karma, I closed the portal.
So, my Reiki master was right, as your path increases, you will either end up Alone, or just having a companion, because finding someone who vibrates on your frequency, becomes impossible. WHY? if you walk different paths, they will become addicted to your energy, they will say or do anything to stay in your life. (Sociapath) They will create drama, crisis, to keep the attention coming their way. Sure! There is love, but realize that, they will never match your energy, and their life will never be there same, after you have left it.
On the flip side, You get to create new students, new Reiki masters who will change the world. New babies are being conceived and a new generation will evolve, we hope.
So, I continue my routine of cleanses, and I will do another magic mushroom trip on Saturday, no. 12, here we come.
Reiki you are becoming my True love! I cannot eat you, but I can surely feel you!
I knew a life without love, a hole in my soul. A hole that every so often, would fester, ooze pus, bleed all over the place. Heartbreak and breaks was the norm for me, as a young lady as my standards were (still is) high. I came from a forbidden love, two cultures that never liked each other, I can feel that, with my Ancestors, they do not click. My grandparents German, Indian and my fathers side Irish/Scottish big human spirits, super powerful. I see my grandfathers shadow on my fathers side and I can sense these strong beings, were huge hearted people.
The hole in me, created unhappiness, it created an ache, the love I craved, life never filled it. It was a female love connection, I longed for. I longed for a complete Colleen, a saphic Wild Goddess, a softness that I couldn’t express, mothering, loving, sensual.
I realized that I couldn’t digest the love, I had, I had too many filters, wounds, I couldn’t see it. (Willem tried)
Now, as I mature I see the depth, the loyalty, the link, the determination of how our love grew and created a space called Home for us.
Love, lives in the simpliest details. Eating together, being held, falling asleep together, sharing where no words are needed. Vulnerable. Deep. Stirred. Digested. Raw.
I quit paying for my Netflix addiction on 28th October and I must say, I feel better for it. I feel less brain fog, less UNHAPPINESS. I feel bad for the characters in the stories and I just want to help them and give them a happy ending story, in their lives. I love happiness. I love creating happy bodies.
Love and Happiness are my strongest addiction, and roasted chicken from Woolies. (since I can digest white meat again) I love love, I love being happy, I love the simple pleasures of life, I love “slap”chips, potatoe wedges, sundried tomatoe wraps, and I love Willem very much.
When I journey through my Magic mushroom trips, Willem is always present in waves. He is shown to me, he is with me, its like 2 souls that were ripped apart and slowly we find ourselves coming back to ourselves and wholeness.
We can run, we can fight, we can argue, we hide, we can have heated discussions, but when needed, we show up for one another. If there is a fight, I’ve got his back! there is no doubt. We’ve created a space called HOME, and we enjoy this space, being who we are, taking pleasure from the simplicity of Life. Living is the journey, we have no clutter, we feel safe in our sanctuary.
It must be love, a grounded love, a nurtured love, a guided love, a magical love, a love that transcends time, space, and gender.
Love is not a part time job, love comes with response ability. I love you means I am there, when you need me. I love you, means I am in your life. I visit your home, I know your parents, and they know me. I share every speck of my life with you. Friendship in love is so important, sharing of Life is important, I cannot stress this more and more. Love connects families, so tribes are formed and stories are told, around laughter, meals, and connectedness.
Love brings a percentage of commitment, dedication, loyalty, and care. Yes you can share finances, you can share everything, but use the scales of give and take wisely. Sharing your scraps, is not sharing, its living from a space of lack.
What is lack of selflove? Overgiving, Overworking, Working until injury. Being angry everyday. Stirring others. Creating chaos. Playing a role, being a martyr and victim in your life. Every cell phone battery has a limit, if your output is spent, you will be left tired, angry, grumpy and neglect the one person, who sits in your corner, waiting for a percentage of love, and care. You are not Relationship material then. You are selfish, self centred, and deserve to be alone. Living without feeding love, is asking it to die.
Love, I have found you, when I began to see you, feel you, you changed me. You are not gender related, you are not just a body, you are Spirit connectedness.
You fit like a coin, in the palm of my hand. I embrace this love, I embrace this life, I embrace and receive, LOVE.
I am in awe of this magic, called Reiki, it teaches, changes, frees me.
Seeds of unhappiness are frequently sown in the city. My city limit has been reached, 2 years, and I know that it will begin to change me now. It has changed me before, I became bitchy, mean, angry, aggressive, confrontational, just a pain in the ass.
I don’t want the city to change me, I ran to India to explore my spirit, I lived far away on a farm to escape the pus that is starting to fester in this country. The people are piling in, refugees, more shacks, more traffic, more aggression, more alcohol, more accidents, more sirens. The stench of anger in the air, negative energy, hating their lives for having to wake up and go to work. Lack of discipline is the norm, if every person were to wake up earlier on Monday or any other day, there would be no traffic, but feed on the unhappiness, cling to it.
Buy the clothes, eat this fast food, go to work, feed the debt, feed the unpleasant seeds of unhappiness. Throw in body issues, fear, inadequacy, addiction, depression, anxiety and you have sown the seeds of unhappiness, into survival mode.
After a days work, the anger in the traffic can be felt, impatience, hooting, chaos, “I want to get home” at any cost, living a 5 sensory life, and tomorrow it is repeated.
Thats why I left, I felt that city vibes are polluting my soul. I can be quiet and observe the ocean or the swaying of the trees. A flamboyant meal, will just as easily be digested if it was an omelette filled with spinach and cheese. The extremes of the have not’s and the have’s are there, and growing.
Notes left in the postbox of desperate domestic workers seeking employment, strangers knocking at gates, looking for a way to scam others, and the list goes on.
I remember a litter free Cape Town, a traffic free Cape town, I remember less people, I remember communities, I remember knowing my neighbour and loving her, I remember sharing life, it has changed into burglar bars, locks, keep yourself safe in your home.
The chasing of money has claimed their souls, “I must, I have to, I should”. Freedom has been reduced to Survival mode. Do anything to survive, lie, cheat, steal, repeat.
Unhappiness? Where did you begin? It began when we found it more stimulating to engage our senses, than to pray, meditate, sing, go within. When we forget to dance, when we forget to listen and feel music. We loose a part of ourselves, when we are hooked on screens, when real life, like plants, no longer soothe, when petting our cats, no longer fulfills you. Sensory overload, has increased, and it doesn’t fulfill.
When you are vibrating in this unhappiness space, your heart is closed, there is no love, you are an unhappy zombie, which is easily manipulated by the system, you have lost your freedom of choice.
I am happy to say, this is not me. I refused to be tamed by the system. I refused to adhere to their rules of fear, mind-fuckery and advertising overload. I am skeptical. I choose my path, and I will not subscribe, to a life of misery.
For those, who frequent this time and space, creating chaos, spreading misery, fear, depression, holding onto their trauma for dear life, creating more, best you find your healing and then embrace it.
I have journeyed with many many souls, within 5 minutes of connecting with the body, I can assess its healing capability.
I have created some more magic, called ZOOMING IN, I enter deeply into the body, removing aches, pains, inflammation, infection, rebooting the spirit and soothing the nervous system! WOO WOO! I am so grateful, for this magic, I have completed 3 sessions, with 3 different human beings, and the effects are super healing and effective.
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They said the world was created in 7 days, Sjoe! Thats a ton of work, I hope God or Goddess was task orientated. In Judiasm, the words were not spoken, the words were thought, felt and it was so. The Hashikina -Female Holy Spirit can be felt in the depths of the chants at the Synagogue, it shifts, its ancient, it changes us, it touches so deeply, that I often felt myself cry with joy, at how beautiful, being in this presence was.
Words, are what fuels my spirit! I listen, I hear, I listen deeper to what the spirit says. Touch combined with words and Reiki Spirit, are very powerful.
I experience how it changes the body, how gently the bodies surrender to the LOVE, no longer fighting, what we need to feel, LOVE. The mouth often runs over flowing on my massage table, a failure to surrender? If I let this love in, will I need it? If I am vulnerable, how will I find my way back to being miserable, an asshole, an energy vampire, how will I return to the uncomfortable space, that has become home?
Often, I whisper words into the body, I speak life into the darkness, I can feel the change as it is embraced, I can feel how the wounds heal and shift. The movement of the breathe, the feeling of the energy flowing, where there was only a block present, then love is felt and darkness is no more.
The ancient signs of reiki, combined with the whispering of Chi, into the body, is oh so powerful! I often, catch myself chanting to the ocean, asking for abundance for those in my distance healing grids, to have their lives changed, loved, whole.
As magic has pumped through my veins, from a young age, I have been bullied, hurt, abused, traumatised, I rose up, and I would not back down. Many feel the need to judge, assume, that denying their darkness is ok, but I use the pain I have experienced to show that healing exist, it may not be perfect, and well wrapped with a perfect pretty bow, but its Wholeness is Real.
I never want to feel the loss, the loneliness, the isolation I felt during my path to this moment, I love who I am becoming. My life is real, I am Loved, I love my reality, and I know, I will create magic, in the past, in the present, in the future.
This always craps me up with laughter! Hector searching for happiness, is my favourite movie. For me, it highlights the craziness of Humanity, but ultimately, we have the GREATEST RESPONSIBILITY is to be HAPPY!
To be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to suffer our life, to suffer our husband, our wives, our girlfriends, our depressive partners, and their shit! Relieved! I sit and absorb all of that. I sit in my boardshorts and crop top, waiting for Willem to complete the mundane task of doing laundry, so we can go swim, in the beautiful ocean!
Ocean living, and inhaling this magic of sunshine, makes me happy! I don’t have to be at a job, I hate, I don’t have to listen to colleagues, I can go do, whatever the FUCK! I want.
Freedom! You taste so sweet! I have waited to live a free life, a life of being myself, free in my body, free in my time, free in just living my spiritual life of happiness, joy, kindness, laughter.
Many people feel that suffering their life, is the way to go, going over and over into the trauma, dragging their partners through the mud and misery. Yes! we all have had crap and its important to identify, heal and move on! or you get addicted to the misery and then its the same crap over and over and over! vomit!
For 2021, I am setting the intention to journey with people who whole heartedly want to love life and enjoy happiness!
I love my life, I enjoy what I do, I love reiki and enjoy helping people heal, within 5 minutes I know, if they will heal or become hooked on their pain that this becomes their identity! My instinct says close the portal and run! Addicts, depressed people, do not heal, its a vicious cycle, over and over again. Even if you did give them the blue pill, they will take the red one.
We deserve to be happy. We deserve to live our best life. We deserve to be whole. We deserve to let the past be the past. We deserve a full life. We deserve to be happy.
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Today and tomorrow, marks the last 2 days of this version of me. I feel sad sometimes, as I have formed such loving bonds, with those that I love. I begin to love this version of myself, being comfortable in my skin, thinking clearly, eating well, sleeping well, and over all feeling oh so good.
I thought, I would make my last blog, fun sexually.
Those who eat, are good in bed! that is so true. Since, I am happily out of the closet! who doesn’t enjoy a good blow job, with rhythm and skill followed by mind-blowing, eye rolling, body vibrating orgasms! I mean who doesn’t want to experience 50 orgasms in a session.
We live in an age of wild women being repressed, we need to be thin to experience pleasure and this is such a lie, linked to depression and anxiety.
Making Love to your man or women, should be the most amazing, spiritual, tantric mind blowing experience!!!!! I have had sex everywhere, the ocean, the bathroom, the kitchen, the bedroom, in a car, at a bed and breakfast, on a mountain, in a pool(I disliked, the owner), in a foreign country. I have lived a rich sexual life, and then I 0verheard someone say, I haven’t had an orgasm?
I am left with a WHAT the Fuck feeling? If you can’t get it on with yourself, and give yourself a happy ending, releasing all the tension, and stress in you’re body? How can you love another person, like the back of your hand? How can you make their body sing and feel adored and loved? How can you rock their body with every touch and kiss?
Frankly, you will suck as a Lover! Those who eat, and can have pleasure with food, sensation, texture, colours, play, have the most exciting sex life ever. If you have never watched 50 Shades of Grey or Below her Mouth, do it! Do it soon.
You cannot live your life as a spiritual tensed, under sexed person! The whole point of making love is to share you’re amazing body with the person, you love, adore, desire with intimate passion and hunger!
Read the Karma Sutra! Grow a good stash of porn, and make every night a happy ending night.
Living a spiritual life does not EXCLUDE sex or Making Love, when you are happy, our greatest desire is to make LOVE!
So, stop picking at your food, stop finding fault with your partner, and start eating well, and create an alphabet with your tongue, you know she or he will love it.
Give pleasure, receive Pleasure. Take a bath together! Shave, Clean that shit up! and light candles, put on the magic lamp, take out the scarves, have fun!
We are here to live, and Love. Don’t miss out.
If you are blocked! Missed out! In need of a Aura Clearing, so you can have ORGASM!
Whats app : +27846030604 Look at the menu, but go eat at home!
To the wounds, that keep bleeding, keep spreading their bitterness, fault finding, anger, self doubt, depression of your spirit, anxiety of lies.
I compare them to a suicide bomber, look at all the dead bodies, damn!
I know it hurts, I know its hard, I am fully aware of what it takes to heal.
I know its not easy, but its not good, to spread your mess with your partner, to stay stuck in a relationship that you self sabotage, to be the person who constantly questions and rejects the love. It is called FUCKED UP! for a reason. Choosing to live in this space, to create a home, in the pit of misery, is a choice.
I was loved by so many people neighbours, grandparents, family, even though I was neglected, I knew what love felt like, I knew what kindness felt like, I knew how to pray, to read, so I learnt to detach from the wounds that my Mother inflicted on others, and just choose another path. At 16, I disowned her, until I was 18. It was the best years of my life, I refused to talk to her, to give her the time of day, she didn’t exist in my world, and I no longer had to mop up the shit, she so frequently created. Yes, I know it sounds mean and cold, but hurt people hurt people. All I ever wanted was a connection of Love, instead of saving her, helping her became a fulltime job, re-opening the mother wound, again and again, spreading that shit all over my life. I don’t want anyone to live like this.
How is the mother wound spread? The fixer empath feels he or she needs to save others, in order to feel better. We open our sacral chakra and give them energy, which makes us feel needed and wanted/accepted, a fake form of dependent love, which we become hooked on, like any drug, at some stage the needle will be plucked from your skin and there will be blood spilt. I have tried to save many many people in my life, journeying through religions, adopting addicts, siblings, helping, healing but I realized that like me, we all have choice.
On a psychological level, I should have been a failure, a disaster, a mess, an addict, but I found my path, and it has healed me, everyday I decide to love the broken pieces that pop up, I move my body, I show up for myself. Excuses, wallowing, pity parties are not an option for me.
Problem = Solution simple : I feel gratitude to my Grandfather, for instilling this discipline in me, he spent time, impacting on me and just talking to me, like an adult, even though I was 4 years old. I learnt fast, to become myself, to speak up, to be myself.
Life by no means was perfect, and neither am I. I live in the sliver between tuning into the dark to find the light, let the love in.
I am happy! Whatever, happens I have faith that things will work out and flow.
I am not wasting my potential, rehashing the wounds of my mother, my childhood, I am adult, I choose to step into the present moment, and decide, this is my life, I create my happy ever after, I am my Saviour.
My Power, with Reiki as my strength, with my Ancestors firmly at my sides, I have love and so I step forward, into my path.
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I am living proof of two sides of a coin, I have a gift, and I know the cost. The cost of being born from 2 complete opposites, the cost of feeling orphaned and alone. The gift of healing, came with a cost of loosing my grandparents, who needed to shift into my ancestor space.
Gift vs cost, was it fair? Is it equal? life is never fair, I have learnt to overcome trauma, lack of attachment, abuse, obesity, addiction to food, depression, anxiety, I once was a wounded healer, now feeling this wholeness and love is a entire new paradigm of being.
I have been meditating and healing the old patterns that reappear. I am by no means the perfect healer, infact, I praise my imperfection. My body is a carbon copy of the scars I am healing, the life I have lived and the wounds I have tried to heal, in my ancestory. I have stretch marks, I have a strong body that houses my spirit, that carries me everywhere. Last week, I felt so proud of the love I have for my body, I wanted everyone to feel the same, loved.
This love is changing my life, filling my heart with Reiki everyday, connecting deeply with the Elements of water, air, earth, feels – so good.
Alas, I digress, the gift of healing, I was born with it, combined with being a Aquarius, to serve is so ingrained in me, that it fuels every fibre of my being, I feel purpose driven in who I am.
The cost? I cannot live a normal life, no job, no casual sex, no drugs, no getting drunk, no going out late at night, no living an unconscious way, no gambling, no debt. My sleep patterns are different, I have visions and I receive wisdom in my dreams. I sleep for 4 hours, wake up at 2.30am, and listen to the silence. I reiki myself, and wake up fully at 4am. The spiritual world, does not keep worldly hours. Before an Attunement, everything needs cleaning, house, cupboards, emotions, old diaries, a mushroom trip is needed and daily clay cleanses commence. I have adapted to this lifestyle. NO SEX before a Reiki Attunement, so my partner is not attached to me, when I take on the persons karma, for a while. What is this karma? Relates to unresolved issues within the person, their Ancestory, their relationship or their family links. (trauma, rape, abuse, failing to show up for themselves, addiction)
Living a somewhat disciplined life, is what this path requires. If I eat junk food, I suffer the next day. If I drink alcohol, the reiki switches on, If I do anything that is not for me, the path will be blocked and I will be left with my mouth hanging open. My Karma is instant, if I over step any line, the whiplash is instant and severe, my accountability is like an lightning bolt.
I no longer mind, anything, I am learning to flow better and speak up! show up! Be present for myself, which has definitely impacted all my relationships and connection with others.
Reiki you have changed my life, you have made me a better me. I am in awe, always.
Thank you! May we continue to shine, brightly.
May we continue to give hope to the broken.
May we continue to help others heal, what they feel.
May we inspire anyone to enter their darkness, finding their light.
Life is certainly changing at a rapid pace, I am changing.
I have refrained from eating any processed forms of food, like pizza or “slap chips”. I am sticking to healthy vegetables and daily fruits with a occasional snack of dark chocolate. My body is changing, the foods I enjoyed 2 years ago, no longer gives me pleasure. The places I enjoyed no longer thrill me. I am changing, what was fun in the past, no longer draws my attention.
Yesterday, we entered Grand West Casino, having been raised in a conservative culture, casino’s are somewhat forbidden, I entered the unknown. The air was merky, and the energy of lack was all around me, I could feel my reiki disappear, feeling threatened. I attempted playing 5 slot machines, the card would not work, the buttons would not move and frankly, no machine co-operated in this adventure of trying to gamble. I left having won R5, and a story to share. Practising Reiki changed my whole life, we live by a code, earn your living honestly, there is no other way. I left feeling assured of my truth.
My fun scale has shifted. I left the Midlands fully embarking on a life, filled with more fun, joy, laughter, and it turns out, that I am a boring, stay home empath, loving music, tea teetotaler looking forward to stories shared about life. Netflix is no longer an addiction. Food has become a source of nourishment for me. My body is changing, I can feel the weight dropping off, as I move into my true self.
The hole in my soul regarding my parents, my irish ancestors, my dad, my sexuality has all been filled, I feel whole, I am safe and it is time to be me, all of me.
Simple pleasures of walking at the ocean, chanting, flying at the ocean, meditating until I wake myself up – snoring, doing yoga, exercising, and journalling my feelings are what fuels me now. I am becoming softer, so much love in my spirit, receiving love from others, and working in a space of Reiki love, changed me.
Yesterday, I reiki’d a 16 week old foetus, deeply connecting it in LOVE and Forming a bond with the Universe, with the Mother, pure beautiful spirit which inspired my spirit. The energy and the impact of this reiki will be life-changing, and just being an observer to this magic, fuels me.
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Shamans (American Indians) could not comprehend the ripples in the ocean, as the ships journeyed towards their island, as Christopher Columbus arrived, the Shaman had begun to see the ship, the ripples created a rhythm in the ocean, which the Shaman had never experienced before, this feeling, this vibration, is exactly, what I have been preparing for.
Time to Adult up! clean up this life, and no longer squander any piece of my time here, there is an Urgency! Covid 19 has brought us a possibility for change, for growth, for addressing the hidden shadow addictions, and opportunity knocks.
I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned my studio, I had industrial cleaners give the carpets, the mats, the couches, the mattress’s a good cleaning. I cleaned my wardrobe. I cleared out the couch. I cleared my karma and apologised to an old flame. I stopped watching Netflix since 28th October 2020 and my brain fog hangover has lifted. My brain is on fire with ideas, and it is truly amazing.
I feel alive! living a discipline lifestyle again.
Today, marks an auspicious day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something we have worked towards for 12years, has come to pass. I have cried a few times this week, stating how amazing, epic, glorious, scary, and adulting is. We drove to St Helena Bay yesterday, met an estate agent called ALOMA van BOOM. We viewed a property, which is situated on the main road of St Helena, the beachfront is 5 seconds away, the mountain is filled with rocks, which resonates with my spirit.
I visited a jyotish (Hindu astrologer) years ago, he sent me to Tiruvannamalai temple, it is my spirits origin, the energy was so heavy and thick for me, that I could hardly enter the temple, I felt a belonging – the same – sense of belonging hit my entire body, the land spoke to me, and my ancestors, and my pendulum, this is my home space.
I received an energetic goose bump feeling. The vibes was neutral, and I felt I have work to do in this little town, called St Helena Bay. First I checked in with ocean vibes, I chanted to the wind, and it responded, it felt good to be free of the city vibes.
The town itself, is slow paced, one road in and one road out. Upon entering the town, their is a field of ostriches, cows, sheep and hay bails, it reminds me of the Midlands, just with an ocean.
The land spoke to me, the clouds responded to me, and the wind, I felt safe.
When we relocated to Cape Town, I set my intention, to make rain, so the ongoing water restrictions may be lifted. I also set my intention to raise the vibration of the suburb where we are renting a house, as it was looking a bit neglected and derelict, with long grass on the verges and lots of litter. Starting just within the close where we live, I took walks and blessed the homes and the people in them, I put salt where needed and burned incense daily, with the intention to positively affect the residents. Ever so gradually, things started changing for the better. We had a nice wet winter this year, the dams are full and the restrictions have been lifted. Our neighbour cleaned up a lot of the junk that filled his yard, across the road, they completely revamped their space and all around the suburb, people started cleaning up, mowing and pruning, paving and painting. As they cleared the negative energy, by doing so, the effect spread, subtly, to the neighbouring suburbs.
As a Reiki healer, I go where my spirit is called, I have moved across continents, across the ocean, across land, and now moving to the west coast to my forever home.
Our estimated time, for building a home is 1 to 2 years, upon receiving the Acceptance of the offer, we proceed to build our dream space. A dream come true, our vision board started this dream on 9 August 2020, as it becomes a reality, I am grateful and in awe of this magic, Reiki has brought me.
As we embark on this journey, to build our Home space to help those who need it, to uplift another land, I know what we need will come, I risk all, I trust in the Universe, I surrender.
I serve, what I need will come.
PS: 1pm today, our offer was accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2020 has brought a worldwide change, many people have been pushed into SURVIVAL Mode.
What is this Survival mode, it is our most primal instinct, stepping into a Male Driven Space of Surviving no matter what, words like I must, I have to, I should, come into play. The world is shifting and swinging the pendulum into extremes, Covid 19 has affected our entire reality, we are uncomfortable.
The one’s who walk a spiritual path, are standing in this unknown space of being, listening to the Earth, listening to our Intuition, feeling. It is time for great change, what was once comfortable is surely uncomfortable, the weight gain, the lack of exercise, the increase in debt on the credit card, the swipping of cards exhausting the credit at hand. It is uncomfortable, I feel it, all around me, and sometimes, there is just no escape.
The pressure has eased somewhat with the Rain that fell, the desperation lifted, things are flowing, but the powers that be, aren’t playing nice anymore.
Fasten your seatbelts! I feel uneasy, I feel uncomfortable, I feel like I need to get ready for whatever comes.
Discipline – the strongest survive when we harness our energy and keep focus on a positive outcome. I feel that Covid 19, has the opportunity to have a positive impact on life, so many are waking up, from the slumber that we call life.
What grounds me and keeps me going, is hope for the future, hope that every empath will start living their full potential as healers, and step into their AUTHENTIC spirit of being.
Grounding is a daily practise for me, I do yoga, I move, I dance, I chant and I meditate, combined with Reiki. Big change is coming for me, I can feel it in my hands as the reiki heats up, as the spirits start to align for my next Reiki Level 2 Attunement for Holly St Clair and for the upcoming Reiki masters Attunement for Vanessa Hallick.
Reiki changed my entire life, I have lived 14 years of adventure, growth, heartache, pain, learning, overcoming trauma’s and rebirthing myself into who I was supposed to be, a healer, a lover, a sapphic women, a warrior, a journey women.
As I journey deeper into myself, I feel my ancestors, I commune with them and listen to their knowledge, combined with the Reiki masters entrusting me with what I need to do as a Reiki Teacher, this path has brought me the most sacred gift of life.
Nothing fulfils me, as working on the human body, holding space for the healing magic and practising REIKI, it is magical and life-changing, everyday I live this magic, every breathe I take, I know I am serving a higher purpose, I am not afraid of the future, or cling to the aspects of the past anymore.
I am here now! I am destined and I am serving a greater purpose, that I can feel in my Spirit and Heart, are full! As I lay my head on my pillow at night, I am spent like an old coin, but happily living, what I only dreamed of for many years, is here right now!
To remember, who I am!
If you’d love to dip your toes, into the magic : +27846030604
I would be lying if I said COVID 19 has had no impact on my life. The imprint of it, has left a pattern on my life, to live deeper in LOVE and Unplug from the world of fear. Fear has impacted so many, it has activated our primal SURVIVAL mode, which has forced many to sell their home, their car, their possessions.
I have started a cleanse, being lighter means, having LESS, so energy can move into the vacuum of space, you have created.
Where shall I start?
I started with drowning my old diaries to release the pain trapped on the pages, to release the filter of conformity, to embrace the new me. The first few diaries entered the water, and I could feel the energy lifting. I drowned years of sorrows, pains, words unspoken.
I then decided to clear out my wardrobe, I have 1 chest of draws, and one cupboard which holds all my summer and winter clothes. I am sticking to my minimalist approach, India has taught me that less is more. Travelling at the speed of Love, requires a discipline, I can only share to inspire you, so your impact on this planet is less.
I cleaned my studio, I gifted the stones from all over the world, to someone’s Dad, who will appreciate them. I dusted all the cobwebs and vacuumed the space, that once held a space, filled with stories.
I cleared out all the empty jars, plastic containers, all the things, we will “one day” need which turns into clutter. We filled 3 bags of junk and set it aside for recycling.
Two years ago, we purchased a 2nd hand couch and have been happily lazing on the couch, watching Netflix, wasting time. Wasting away during Lockdown, escaping into a screen, burying my head in the clouds of mystery, entertainment and suggestion. Tv makes me stupid. I posted the couch on the Noordhoek group, and happily gave it away, to someone in need. The post was live for 5 seconds, and was collected within 10 minutes, and it was gone! The house feels lighter, we converted a corner of the lounge into my working out area, I can stare at the clouds, I can daydream again.
I did my 11th Magic mushroom trip yesterday, which was 1 gram of Texan mushrooms soaked in honey, ingested, it last 4 hours, I was shown my path, a mandala of colours, shapes of all kinds, my visions of colourful rooms. I spoke to many on my path, my Ancestors, my Willem, Tracy lee, my mother in law, myself. I saw my rainbow and white unicorn and it was all beautiful.
I shifted the energy, from something so simple – letting go, of what no longer serves me.
I feel free, I feel detached, I feel stronger.
I remember living in India and the most important items I possessed was my books, everything else started to deteriorate within 3 months. The humidity, the heat, the harsh water, the sweat drenched clothes, started to die a slow death. I learnt to let go, easily, I leant to be in the moment.
Covid 19, has been a wake up call for many!
The rains have come, yes! I had something to do with this magic. I chanted everyday for 2 years, I called to the Rain spirits, I spoke to the ocean, I sang and I received.
The path to Healing is paved with light and darkness, the choice is to shine anyway.
How to shift you’re energy?
Give away what no longer serves : clothes, possessions.
Settle any debt, if you can, or make the payments monthly.
Clean your house.
Clear out your wardrobe. If you haven’t worn it, you are not going to.
Clean out the kitchen cupboards.
Clean out your wallet.
Create a space that is Light.
Place salt around your house. (coarse salt)
Place rosequartz at the doorways.
Wake up early, and meditate.
Turn off the screen time, and listen to crystal bowl music.
Cancel Netflix. I have.
Create a list of actions to do, other than watching TV.
Create a bucket list for your life.
Start a blog.
Journal, your feelings.
Read a book.
Have more sex.
Book that reiki session : +27846030604
Create a life, you do not need a weekend for, live you.
There is a time for everything. Every moment of life, has a season, every season has a pre-destined pattern, every month a cycle, every day a flow.
You cannot see it, it is only felt, like the cool Sunday vibes of chilling. The air is softer, the noise is slower, and there is just an overall breathe of calmness in the air.
Fridays and the 25th of the month is a different story, the traffic buzzes, the sirens are everywhere, and their is a form of urgency, for work completion, so the reward of free time, is available. To do what you love, to live on the weekends, to be free, to live thy shadow self.
On Sunday evenings, the doom and gloom starts to linger by 6pm, the grumpyness can be felt in the air, Monday is approaching, where time is given for money. It is an old custom, and old tradition, that has flowed for centuries, like the rich and the poor, the comfortable and the uncomfortable.
I have been a seer, all of my life, I warn people about what is to come, I take no pleasure in sharing what I am told, because it is never never never welcomed.
Denial – No – that won’t happen.
Stubbornness – when truth is told.
Naivety – that won’t happen to me.
Ignorance – No one told me.
Lack of maturity.
I have warned, shared, nurtured, teached many many people in my life, and honestly, you either have the magic of LOVE, or you do not.
LOVE can be a warm, soothing, comfortable, peaceful experience, or it can a PAIN filled with conflict relationship, each has its own energy, its own flavour. The one – pain will certainly deplete and destroy the LOVE you have for LIFE! feeding EGO and not Spirit.
In 2018, I treated someone who was in a very disturbing relationship, I advised the person to not proceed with this partnership, well she did! and now 2 years later, she is more broken, angry, and living off this pain. I felt sad, prevention is better than cure, but I realized that PAIN, is a drug well served.
Victimhood, equals pain, suffering, creating the same feelings of hurt, disappointment, shame, rejection, never evolving, never facing your own shadow self and allowing the PAIN of childhood to grow, fester, creating more anger and bitterness, this too is a path.
As I mature and grow deeper into my healing practice, I ask the universe to send the Souls that want to heal, not the ONE’s who make handfist when I massage them. Not the one’s who deny their is a problem, not the one’s who clearly are hooked on pain, so much, it is their daily drug.
The one’s who have been wronged and that will use reiki love, to heal.
Reiki has taught me so much about life, myself, and this path.
LOVE heals. Counselling heals. Reiki heals. Healing is wholeness.
I remember the first time, I prevented my sisters suicide, the rest is a blur of psychological analysis, hospitals, treatments and her refusing the help. I remember, looking after her, arranging a job for her, helping her, the helping never ended, the giving was never enough. I reached a space of numbness, because I couldn’t give anymore, the demand was too much. My ignorance of therapy at the time, and my faith in religion, was not enough. She stole from us, she bad mouthed Willem into a predator, she left with a man, that would treat her badly, but I gave her an ultimatum, “if you leave now, I am done” and in that moment I closed the door, I reached my limit.
In my mothers eyes, she was perfect. She was built like a model, tall, lean, skin well tanned, she was athletic, she was born with a 6 pack, her long black hair moved as she walked. I knew she was beautiful, she had perky boobs, a kick ass body, but I was always measured to her perfection. I was short, stocky, clever, curly hair, wild in nature, I never conformed to the looks of perfection, I knew it would be short lived.
I never thought of her suicide attempts, or the suicide attempts of family members of the depression, or the abuse that happened around me. I thought it was normal until I started school and observed normality. People loved having kids, this wasn’t the case in my family.
I used to want to save people from committing suicide, because I value life, but I know I cannot save anyone. I have taken the time to connect with other Lesbian women, and the drama is endless, happiness is few and far between. I went to bed, and reiki’d one lady who wanted to commit suicide, I respect her decision, but reiki’d her anyway. The poison she ingested didn’t work, she was ill. She was sick for another 2 days, then gathered the courage to go gamble her last R100 away, and won R4400 which would resolve her situation. She is still alive, but doesn’t have the will to live.
I value life, I value the living and the dead. I respect people who have abortions, because I know what its like living in a dysfunctional family, the scars heal slowly, and they pop up now and again, to heal some more.
Life is ironic, it gives you both pain and pleasure. It creates what you think, you feel, you focus on. In an age where perfectionism is promoted……. Be imperfect, be Inadequate, Be yourself, without hesitation.
Creativity is Intelligence having fun! (Albert Einstein) Ways to have fun : 🥏🪀🏓🏸🏏🥍🪂🏋️♀️🤸♀️🤾♂️🧗♂️🩰🎭🎟️🚴♂️🪘🎷🎺🪗🎸🍇🥕🌽🍱🌯🫔🧉🍫🥟🎨🧩🎰🎳🎯🎰 Living spirit means : We enjoy Fun, Joy, Laughter, having a lighter Spirit! allows flow…. 💖💗💓💞
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. (Rupi Kaur) 💗❤️🙏🥰💕🌀🌻 LOVE is a vital tool to growth, learning, healing, staying in tune with your Spirit. 🎭🩰🌻 Love strengthens our boundaries, 🧧Love opens the flow of Divine Synchronicity. 🎗️ Love Supports. 🎯😘 Reiki Love, gives life meaning. 😇🙏👏